HAPPYTOWN

;You read it here first: Crime ;in Orlando is no longer an issue. We have proof: On March 4, the Orlando Police Department sent a ton of cops, at least one of whom was wearing a hood and at least four of whom were undercover, to arrest 21-year-old Eric Montanez for violating the city's ordinance dictating that thou shalt not engage in "large group feeding in parks owned or controlled by the city in the Greater Downtown Park District."

;;Montanez was feeding the homeless, which in the hierarchy of criminal behavior ranks as less than a misdemeanor. Of course, he has a nose ring, and that means terrorist to us.

;;The arrestee is a member of Orlando Food Not Bombs, an organization that gives vegetarian food to homeless people in Lake Eola Park every Wednesday afternoon. Last summer the Orlando city council tried to ban feeding more than 25 people in a public park without a permit. The ACLU's Central Chapter retaliated with a federal lawsuit. Since then, the hippies have continued feeding the homeless in Lake Eola Park, devising schemes to circumnavigate the law. Until April 4, the city looked the other way. There may have been a "gentlemen's agreement" that no arrests would be made until the federal suit was settled, though the city denies it.

;;Cops surveilled Montanez as he fed homeless people stew. When he'd fed 30 of them, they sprang into action. The police report says that the officers wanted to give Montanez a "notice to appear," but he got all indignant and threw his ID on the ground, so he had to be cuffed and stuffed. He sat in jail on a $500 bond until the next morning.

;Montanez says that isn't the way it went down. "They should have arrested everyone there," Montanez says. "They were just looking for me, man. They see me down there all the time."

;And just to make sure they had an airtight case, the cops even collected the stew as evidence.

;Another protest against the Iraq war! Yeah!

;;If we haven't lost you already, listen up, proto-hippies: This one comes with a chance to skip class!

;;"Ask yourself the question: While your country is in a war, what is more important — your mathematics teacher babbling about theorems, or creating a community of people who want to act out against poor decision making and unethical wars?" May we answer the question? Thanks. We choose "C," none of the above. What's really important is not electing people who start pointless wars in the first place.

;;But that horse has left the barn, and all we're left with are meaningless protests; this one comes courtesy of the Walk-Out Now Coalition at UCF. WON is, according to their presser, an "alliance of organizations and individuals from UCF's diverse community" who plan to close their books and hoof it out of class at 1 p.m. April 11 to show their disapproval. (Sorry about the super-early notice, but it was either that or cover it a week later.)

;;We can't even remember college. Trust us, you won't either.

;Here is what your elected ;officials consider fiscal responsibility: In 1994, LBS Publications accepted a $35,000 loan from the city. In 1997, LBS defaulted on the loan, stiffing the taxpayers of Orlando for a decade. In 2006, the city went to court and got a judgment against LBS to pay back $33,102. On April 9, the Orlando city council approved a settlement with LBS owners Lillian and Enoch Seays.

;;Did the city demand its money back? Of course not. Commissioner Daisy Lynum sits on LBS' advisory board — she voted to approve the settlement, and told a WFTV Channel 9 reporter who asked about impropriety, "That's in your pea brain, not mine" — and LBS has something Mayor Buddy Dyer wants more than money: Glowing praise.

;;LBS Publications owns Onyx Magazine, a bimonthly that provides "a venue for positive exposure for the accomplishments of black people," according to its mission statement. At Onyx, if you become a sponsor, you get long articles about how great you are.

;;The city will be an Onyx sponsor for two years. It says it will use its advertorial space for job postings and the like, and perhaps to to tell black people how wonderful everything will be for them very soon because Rich DeVos is going to build them a golden pleasure palace.

;;An Onyx sponsorship usually runs $24,000 a year, but the city is getting its sponsorship for the low, low price of $16,551 a year. What a deal.

;;To: George Diaz, Orlando Sentinel columnist

;From: Your friends at Happytown™

;Subject: Attribution

;George,

;We know that your recent transformation from Magic-coddling sportswriter to editorial columnist may not have afforded you the luxury of tutoring in how to ethically attribute material you didn't write, so we've decided to help. It's the kind of people we are.

;;The rule is simple: When quoting another publication, mention its name. Yes, the rule applies even if said publication is in your market and your publication wants to pretend the source publication doesn't exist.

;;We direct your attention to paragraph one, sentence two of your April 1 column, "Fire, brimstone Crossley now preaches ACLU purity," about Central Florida ACLU leader George Crossley: "A recent blog post provided this apt description: ‘a shaggy-haired, wild-eyed, ex-televangelist man-beast.'"

;;It's all true, except for the ex-televangelist part. Crossley was in fact an evangelist, but never a televangelist. We know this because he corrected us after we wrote these words in a mini-profile of Crossley published April 20, 2006: "a shaggy-haired, wild-eyed, ex-televangelist man-beast who served prison time for plotting to have his mistress' husband killed."

;;George, we are not a blog, much less a "blog post." We produce an actual paper every week. We have a company name, free coffee and dental insurance. We even have an office, right here in Orlando! And we almost never wear pajamas to work. OK?

;Speaking of advertorial, we ;promised to reward anyone who provides us booze with a mention in this space, and boy, has that paid off! Not only are we up to our gunwales in hooch, but now we've been honored with our own wine. Coppola, move your fat ass over; it's time for a glass of Happytown™!

;;This vintage, from Grapes to Glass in Winter Park, features a nebulous though enduring bouquet, a strong nose and legs from here to Clermont. You'll grow to love it after five or six glasses, we think. It's good with tacos.

;;Apparently anyone can make their own wine at Grapes to Glass (www.grapestoglasswp.com), but it would be the rare person indeed who could craft cabernet sauvignon de Happytown™. You have to be a wildly popular column to pull that off.

This week's report by Jeffrey C. Billman, Billy Manes and Bob Whitby.