Movie: Van Helsing

Our Rating: 1.50

I could allow myself to be seriously dismayed that this movie is a two-hour battering ram of stupidity. I could be outraged that it mangles at least four mythologies, all in the service of crappy CGI, criminal overacting and video-game nonphysics. But for almost as long as I've been alive, the Universal corporation has been going out of its way to demonstrate that it has zero respect for its classic monsters -- characters that, quite frankly, mean everything to me. So I'll just point out that, when she raises her voice in that wretched Transylvanian accent of hers, Kate Beckinsale sounds uncannily like Frau Farbissina from the Austin Powers movies. And then I'll move on with my life.