When I was 12 years old, the FF were as real to me as the members of my own family and more real than a good few of them. That's why I'm erring on the side of caution in grading this big-screen translation of "The World's Greatest Comic Magazine." I want to be absolutely certain that it isn't fanboy outrage driving me to dismiss the entire picture as a vulgar parade of hackwork FX, extreme sports, potty humor, bad WJRR rock and cheesecake shots. So (and to thwart the expectations of certain angry letter writers) I'll just concentrate on the positives, noting that there are a few fun set pieces that showcase our heroes' outlandish powers, and that Michael "The Thing" Chiklis' performance remains winning even underneath a layer of ridiculous foam rubber. You'll just have to read between the lines to figure out that the rest of the movie is too insipid to live.