To: Mickey's Burgers Corporate Staff
Re: Fast Food Nation
As many of you are aware, Fox Searchlight is releasing director Richard Linklater's adaptation of Eric Schlosser's best-selling book Fast Food Nation this month. Rather than a 'documentary,â?� as we here at Mickey's Burgers Corporate Headquarters would have expected, it is instead a 'feature filmâ?� written by Linklater and Schlosser based on the inaccurate statistics and misleading fabrications Schlosser originally published in his nonfiction attack on fast-food corporations. Because our Public Relations department expects to be inundated with requests for comments and even interviews, I thought it would be best to inform the rest of our corporate staff how best to answer any queries made of you regarding this film.
Don Henderson, the character portrayed by Greg Kinnear, is in no way based on a real Mickey's Burgers vice president. While the fictional character of Henderson does discover 'fecal coliform levels [that] are off the chartsâ?� in tests of uncooked patties of the Big One, our company's flagship burger, this is a gross deception, and there are few actual cases to back up such a claim. Moreover, no Mickey's Burgers vice president aware of such a health violation would fail to report it, as the character of Henderson does in the film, simply to preserve his position within a major corporate entity. Mickey's Burgers, after all, offers the healthiest alternative to a home-cooked meal on the market.
In the film, the character of Henderson is seen tasting liquid flavorings for a new 'barbecueâ?� hamburger. While this manipulation of meat's natural flavors is a well-documented practice in the fast-food business, the average American would likely be turned off by the concept, so it would be better to refer to this process as â?�accentuating ground beef's natural goodness.â?�
While visiting Uniglobe Meat Packing, the major beef supplier of the film version of Mickey's Burgers, the character of Henderson is informed that our hamburger patties are an uneven balance of high-fat product from Uniglobe's farms and low-fat product from other suppliers. Clearly, this is meant to imply Mickey's Burgers customers are regularly served unhealthy, high-fat hamburgers in order to maximize profits. We must insist that this is not the case. The best way to handle questions that follow this line would be to remind those asking that 'millions of customers return to Mickey's Burgers every year and find no dissatisfaction in the consistently high quality of its delicious family-friendly hamburger.â?�
Fast Food Nation also goes to great lengths to demean and impugn the character of Mickey's Burgers' fine customer-service representatives, the young men and women around this fine country who every day show up to work with smiles on their faces and a true desire to serve our hungry customers. In one instance, an employee who feels slighted when a customer flirts with his fellow employee and possible girlfriend spits on the customer's hamburger before serving it to him. In another instance, this same employee is seen discussing an armed holdup of the Mickey's Burgers where he works. It must be made clear to whomever asks questions about our service staff that, despite the obvious delinquency displayed by this filmic and fictional Mickey's Burgers employee, such behavior is not tolerated at Mickey's Burgers and, in every such instance in the past, the employee has been dismissed. Mickey's Burgers, after all, promotes a clean and safe work environment.
Fast Food Nation also suggests that the staff of Uniglobe Meat Packing is largely made up of illegal Mexican immigrants, many of whom do drugs and fornicate regularly with their supervisors for no other reason than to keep their jobs. Mickey's Burgers has never condoned, will never condone and has zero tolerance for the employment of illegal immigrants, Mexican or otherwise ' as well as fornication between supervisors and their desperate subordinates. To suggest we exploit these apparently beautiful illegal immigrants (like Catalina Sandino Moreno and Wilmer Valderrama) who have crawled across the U.S./Mexican border willing to do anything to survive is pure slander. To repeat our corporate policy: All employees of Mickey's Burgers are and will continue to be legal residents of the United States.
Overall, Corporate feels strongly that we have little to worry about from this film; like Fahrenheit 9/11, we expect it will amount to nothing more than 'preaching to the converted.â?� Few of our customers will buy tickets and, if they do, they are likely to leave the theater unsatisfied, as Linklater and Schlosser's script is uneven and, ultimately, too erratic in focus to make a lasting impact.
Thank you for your cooperation,