Because it's all about the music. My tune-enabled advice after the jump:
"Don't Let Me Down" - The Beatles
I've been following your path to the mountaintop for years now, Mr. President, and in the meantime, explaining to my 4-year old son who you are and what you hope to do. He likes you. The first time he saw Bush on TV he said, "He's a bad guy." I never told him that...it was innate. Mr. President, he believes you're Superman, and so does 80% of the country right now. I want my children to grow up in the Obama age that we were promised during your election. And if you let them down, well, we're gonna have a problem. Keep your promises as much as you can. But mainly, be a good person. We haven't seen that from a President in a long time.
"Pride and Joy" - Stevie Ray Vaughan
Make us proud again. You've already inadvertently done that by simply being the first black President but the real work lies ahead. End this stupid war in Iraq without any further American casualties, set an example of diplomacy that we've been sorely missing when it comes to the rest of the world, take bold steps where real evil lies, like Afghanistan and Darfur, where the modern Holocaust is taking place now. Make good on your promises to lead us into a rebirth of science and technology, reason and rationality. Give us Universal Health Care now. It's your stage and we put you there. Don't give in to your moderate tendencies. Be boldly, disgustingly, bitterly liberal and we will thank you for it. And for Odin's sake, CLOSE GITMO IMMEDIATELY!
"Rebirth of Slick" - Digable Planets
Be cool. Your steady hand and unflappable demeanor won you the Presidency when the economy came crashing down. And now we've suffered through Bush's final, angry, childish press conference and we've seen how defensiveness, arrogance and stupidity can be dangerous. We need Iceberg Obama. We need someone we can truly believe has got this handled. Critics on both sides of the aisle will question your every move and that's good, embrace that and love it, because the last thing we need is unflappable moral certainty. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about being open to ideas and intellectually curious (which we know you are) but cool enough to never let them see you sweat. Be confident in your curiosity and know that it will guide you much better than following whatever's written in stone or in an ancient book. Curiosity is a greater virtue than righteousness by miles. Be cool.
"Swing" - Savage
Here's what we know about sex after 8 years of Bush's Christian bullshit. These are facts: kids have sex. Adults have sex. Africans have sex. There's a virus that kills people if those people have sex the wrong way. Bush wanted them to not have sex at all. They did anyway, because people have sex, and died. Mr. President Obama, tell the world to have sex the RIGHT WAY!! Ignore the incontinent Pope who thinks he has the only phone line to an imaginery sky bully. Ignore the Christian right, who secretly know there's no God but want to use the idea of Him to bully people themselves while having lots of gay sex. Ignore everybody and tell the world one simple fact: sex is not bad or a sin if it's done right. Meaning: wear a condom. Be unambiguous about this. Announce to the world: EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH CONSENTING PARTNERS BECAUSE IT'S NATURAL AND AWESOME. EVERYONE MUST WEAR A CONDOM. NO EXCUSES. Then send a shit-ton of money to programs that hand out condoms in Africa and educate Africans that it's not a sin, thus undoing what Bush worked unendingly to do: shame people into dying.