So Keira Knightley is concerned about violence against women. She's so concerned, in fact, that she's shot a "shocking" PSA about it, in which she confronts the topic with full-on, Rihanna-remakes-Clockwork Orange honesty.
Seriously, I don't know how to feel about this. Like all right-thinking people, I abhor the idea of violence against women. But also like all right-thinking people, I love the idea of violence against Keira Knightley.
It's like my brain is fixing to explode.
(Remember the old kids' show Zoom? Remember the Fannee Doolee segments: "Fannee Doolee loves sweets, but she hates candy"? That's what this feels like.)
Thankfully, I don't have to weather too much guilt, because the clip is so laughable in its simultaneous attempts to be earnest and arty that it's destined to become instant camp-classic viewing at gay bars, alongside vintage ads for the Boy Scouts of America.
If you're playing along at home, here's how the game goes. You take your first drink when the opening sequence clearly establishes that we're about to be immersed in the nightmare world of top-earning performers who live in luxury high-rises. Then you drink again when it's suggested that Keira, as a "serious" actress, has to simulate coitus with her leading men -- just to get in the zone, y'understand. Finally, you chug-a-lug at the priceless moment when our heroine breaks the fourth wall to complain that the beatdown she's about to endure "wasn't in the script," and that she "didn't agree to" it.
Hey, I didn't even get to see the script for King Arthur before I had to sit through it, and you don't see me applying for combat pay.
At press time, it could not be verified whether Knightley believes that people start pollution, and if they can stop it.
Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of Central Florida.
Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.
Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep Orlando’s true free press free.