Morning, fellow Republican National Convention watchers. It’s a bright, sunny morning here in Tampa. Billy’s in bed listening to the new Pet Shop Boys album. I’m working. Of course. Anyway, see that giant Romney up there? That’s the thing that debated the homeless-looking dude at New World Brewery last night, which we told you about in our previous, slightly tipsy post. Oh, and remember that Nuestra Noche event we didn’t go to because the line wrapped around the corner and we didn’t feel like waiting forever to glad-hand Jeb! and Marco Rubio? Well, turns out Jeb! was a no show, and Rubio arrived way late. But hey, Tagg Romney and the governors of Nevada and New Mexico were there, so that’s something.
So, day two: Tonight, inside the convention, the throngs of whiteness will get to watch Florida AG Pam Bondi talk about how Obamacare is the worst thing in the history of ever, and Barack Obama is a terrible person, in an “entertaining” manner. And then Dressage Queen Ann Romney will try to convince us her husband is an actual homo sapien, not a cyborg sent from the future to fire people, before—hey, ladies!—New Jersey Governor Chris Christie gets up to talk about
himself, probably, because it’s really the only thing he does. Christie—whose state’s unemployment rate is the highest in 35 years—has basically developed a schtick as the loudmouth who’s not afraid to be an asshole (or, in the lingo of the GOP rank and file who adore him, “tell the truth”) to whiny liberals. And Rick Santorum will be giving us some kind of sermon on some kind of mount from the year 1278 (and also, seriously, about how the lazy, shiftless blah people are sucking up our welfare).
As for our agenda today: Tonight, we’ll be partying with the Jews for Hitler—gay Republicans—at The Honey Pot in Ybor, for an event called Homocon. Before that, we’ll be doing the Wonkette Drinky Thing. And this afternoon, Billy and I will scope out the Hard Rock Casino and Mons Venus, for journalism. So this will be fun.
Let’s take a quick look-see at what we’ll be “missing” from the official daytime goings-on inside the RNC, which is exactly as horrible as you’d imagine—probably worse.
Hmmm, OK, so there’s glorious citizen Sher Valenzuela—NOT CHER—who is running for Lieutenant Governor of Delaware, which, um, she’s going to lose. But she’s Hispanic, and that’s all that really matters. The rest are just silly extensions of stereotypes we all know, including a “mom” who is a “mayor” of Saratoga Springs, Utah—and is running for Congress—who showed up on these shores from Haiti with $10 in her pocket and promised never to take a handout, and apparently doesn’t mind that the Latter-day Saints—she’s a Mormon—didn’t, until the late ’70s, think much of black folk.
And, wait for it, 3 FUCKING DOORS DOWN will “debut” (except not really, because it’s already on YouTube) a new single called “One Light” that, and I quote (from the press release), has “lyrics [that] pay homage to the importance of being ‘a strong yet humble person; about giving more than you take.’” Oh, “Kryptonite,” know you no bounds? Also, and also, and also, Janine Turner from Northern Exposure (who is a crazy person) will espouse the values of being a single mother without any help, bitches. Anyone got cab fare?
We’ll update as the day goes on, but for now we’re going to put on our glad-rags and pretend this isn’t the apocalypse.
We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Orlando Weekly. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Orlando Weekly, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.
Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Support Local Journalism.
Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club
Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.
Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.
Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club for as little as $5 a month.