Porch masturbators, accidental shootings, intentional shootings and a string of car burglaries have ensured lots of bitching from cops who’ve had to file endless incident reports during the last five days. Let’s have a look-see:Feb. 14: The zaniness kicked off on Thursday afternoon when Edwin Marcial, 40, met some random guy he didn’t know to buy a couple Glock pistols at a pawn shop on South Orange Avenue. The exchange went bad when the seller snatched Marcial’s $500 and raced away in a Dodge Ram. After a brief car chase, Marcial eventually blocked the Ram off with his own vehicle and got his money back with the persuasive help of a Star .45. Then the thief -- probably pissed that his plan fell apart -- earned his truck’s name by ramming Marcial’s car and taking off. Afterward, Marcial holstered his pistol and in the process accidentally shot a round into the road. Then he called the cops, who promptly came on scene and arrested him for improper exhibition of a firearm and discharging said firearm in public. Feb. 15: Just past 2:30 a.m., Valentine’s Day began with an ironic twist as officers responding to a hit and run became victim to that very crime. A police vehicle, lights flashing, was parked in a turn lane on Colonial Drive when Lawrence Millstein, 71, slammed into the front passenger side and kept rolling right along. Officers caught up with the vehicle and discovered a bleary-eyed Millstein within, reeking of booze and unable to stand. Then just before midnight, Chantel Burnside was talking on the phone just outside her apartment on North Pine Hills Road when an armed man in a gray hoodie approached, called Burnside a different woman’s name and pushed her aside. Nineteen-year-old Deshay Register slept on a couch inside, and Burnside heard “scuffling and a gunshot,” according to an OPD report, before the assailant exited and Burnside retreated to a room. Everyone was gone when she emerged. Register took bullets to his right arm and the top of his head, but they weren’t life threatening, and he refused to press charges or help police get the guy who tried to kill him.
Feb. 16: Some car burglars seized the moment sometime past 7 p.m. Saturday when they went to town on 10 unlocked cars in a four-block radius in the Rosemont area, proving that the few seconds it takes to turn a key in a lock is worth that $600 smartphone you happened to complacently leave in plain view.
Feb. 17: Another cop fell victim to a hit and run when his patrol car was smashed by an old steel-tank Buick four-door in the dawn hour of Sunday on Curry Ford Road. The driver -- described by police as a pale-haired white male in his 20s -- got the hell out of Dodge, and the officer was admitted to the hospital for injuries. The patrol car was so damaged that it had to be towed out of there.Later at about 4:30 p.m. in Northwest Orlando brothers Frankie McDuffie, 18, and Terrence Love, 37, were sitting on the trunk of a vehicle watching two young black males ride by their house on a bike several times. One of them wore red and black striped shorts and another sported a slanted “juice box” haircut with a swath of red dye down the front. Love’s daughter had been in a fight earlier, so the scene was spooky to say the least. According to police reports, one of the suspects said something along the lines of “Y'all go hit them nigga’s, them guys not going to do shit," prompting Love and McDuffie to jump up and the two on the bike to draw revolvers and open fire. They missed Love, and McDuffie was hit in the right leg, but it went through the muscle without shattering any bones. Feb. 18: We always like to save the best for last: Just after 1 a.m. today, an unidentified 24-year-old female came home from work and was walking her dog at Tuscany Bay Apartments in East Orlando. That’s when a green and blue sweats-clad Hispanic male in his early-20s approached with two leashed dogs -- which he described as Shih Tzu and Chihuahua mixes -- and the two had a brief exchange of words in Spanish. Later on, a tapping sound revealed that her sliding glass door to the patio was ajar, and the same man was right outside, green sweat pants around ankles, genitalia enthusiastically in hand, masturbation in full effect. He fled after hanging out there for some time, according to an OPD report. Police are treating it as a residential burglary, even though nothing was taken accept the woman’s ability to close her eyes and ignore what can never be unseen.