IT'S 2 P.M., YOU GUYS!!!! Presently everyone is on a commercial for SunRail because life is a commercial for SunRail. LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THE CRASHES, THE CHEMICALS, THE CRAZY. It's all SunRail all the time.
2:05 p.m.: Fire Department Chaplain is giving the prayer invocation because the SUPREME COURT JUST RULED THAT THIS IS TOTALLY OK. Whatevs, nothing new. Short and sweet. PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE BEING LED BY DAISY LYNUM. It's her last commission meeting. I may cry.
2:08 p.m.: Awards and presentations. Ohnoes. There are going to be four (FOUR) presentations, the first being presented by city CFO Rebecca Sutton. This is about the National Institute of Government Purchasing and their annual award which is named after a woman who passed away last year. This is all very depressing unless you think bout the NIGP being like an industrial strength personal shopper.
2:12 p.m.: IT'S HISTORIC PRESERVATION MONTH! So let's talk about old-timey things and celebrate people who make Orlando history matter. Currently we're awarding the Aloft hotel that took the place of the old OUC building. You can drink there with fancy people sometimes. Design features of the old building are being discussed. THE ORIGINAL TERRAZZO FLOORS WERE UNDER THE UGLY CARPET. Oh, XYZ Bar. Why does Orlando always have to look like South Beach in 1989?
2:17 p.m.: OMG, city spokeslady Cassandra Lafser lives in one of these historic houses on Amelia Street that is being honored? What a coincidence. Now we're announcing this year's historic calendar competition, because, wait, did I just fall down and pass out with boredom?
2:21 p.m.: IT'S NATIONAL SMALL BUSINESS WEEK. So we'll talk about that for awhile. I hope nobody thinks that the National Federation of Independent Business is actually about small business. It doesn't seem that they've been brought up, BECAUSE IT'S A FRONT AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. Mostly, there's talk about the entrepreneur center thing in the Fashion Square Mall, next to the naked ladies eating ice cream.
2:26 p.m.: It's women's lung health week, per the American Lung Association. Boob jokes are not appropriate.
2:31 p.m.: MAYOR'S UPDATE AHOY. THERE'S GOING TO BE A SPECIAL BUDGET WORKSHOP. OOOOH, MEET THE CHIEF SERIES where you get to meet the new police chief. He's going on a tour! Also tax refund for some place that "provides innovative" services for hotels so will create 67 new jobs. Now we're on to the Main Street program. $500 million in economic impact!!!!! Ugh, now we're announcing a new, digital one. E-Street. Yeah, like this.
2:35 p.m.: OK, so Orlando City Soccer is doing a secret message thing later this week, but Buddy just revealed the secret which is that Gov. Rick Scott is going to sign the stadium bill. OH, and also, temporary permits for murals on buildings around .... we've already spoken of this. Love the Ruckus, but this is getting to be too much.
2:36 p.m.: AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN BUDDY HAS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT REGINA HILL JUST BEAT DAISY LYNUM'S KID IN MUNICIPAL ELECTION.
2:37 p.m.: OK, here come the waterworks. Buddy is at the podium to present "honor" to Commissioner Lynum, who's "45th" birthday was yesterday. NOW ALL THE COMMISSIONERS ARE SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY? DID THEY GET LICENSING TO BROADCAST THIS?
2:38 p.m.: Tied with Commish Wyman for longest serving female city commissioner. Wyman is not with us anymore. In all honesty, this is sweet. She is now a "commissioner emeritus," a nice gesture. I've known Daisy forever, and I'm gonna miss all the crazy. OMG, EVERYONE IS DOING THIS RETIREMENT PARTY SPEECH THING. Jim Gray is first up, and he's only been around for two years. There are already tears happening.
2:41 p.m.: TONY ORTIZ JUST DID HIS IN SPANISH. Now he's translating himself. "A real pleasure and honor serving beside you."
2:42 p.m.: Bobby Stuart (are you reading this, sir?) is honoring Lynum's representation outside of town, and also for internet access. "I've enjoyed serving along side with you."
2:43 p.m.: Patty Sheehan is bringing up the rainbow flag argument that happened on Daisy's first day. "As a friend, nobody could be a better friend." WEEPING.
2:44 p.m.: Sam Ings supported Daisy's state rep campaign and "kinda taught her how to dress and how to look. She came from Leesburg." OMG, IT'S A ROAST.
2:46 p.m.: SAM INGS TOLD HER TO GAIN A LOT OF WEIGHT AND CUT HER HAIR; THAT JUST HAPPENED. Now we're having a poorly produced video montage. REALLY POORLY PRODUCED.
2:50 p.m.: Slideshows that end with datelines look a little like funereal memorials. Daisy Lynum, 1998-2014. SHE WAS JUST A BABY.
2:51 p.m.: IT'S A PROCLAMATION FOR DAISY NOW. Blueprint, leadership in Parramore heritage neighborhood, her sorority, National League of Cities, compassion, fruit baskets, city commissioner emeritus. THIS IS GOING A LITTLE LONG. It's almost 3 and there's been no business yet.
2:55 p.m.: ROSES FOR DAISY. IT'S LIKE A MOVIE ABOUT FLOWERS.
2:57 p.m.: Daisy HAD SOME PREPARED REMARKS, but she isn't going to use them. She's served with two mayors, and she's gotten into "some tough stuff." District 5 is a unique district. Nap Ford School, FAMU law school, houses, families, "many of them don't even remember where those homes came from." "If I were to name everyone, we'd be here for days." I FEEL LIKE I'M ON VACATION EVERYDAY IN ORLANDO, she says. TV-9 likes to talk about my flowers... because I thought that was more important than giving them a hot dog. THE CRAZY LIVES.
3 p.m.: "I'd rather have them roast me now than when I'm in the casket." We did a little of that here.
3:01 p.m.: DON'T DESTROY DAISY'S LEGACY. "God bless you and thank you all."
3:02 p.m.: Consent agenda time, and Daisy is up first. SunRail SunRail SunRail Cancer Medical Need Children... "was that a black tie event?" I don't even know anymore; I just know I'll miss her.
3:06 p.m.: City Attorney Mayanne Downs just posted this. I hope she doesn't mind that we regularly raid her facebook for council shots.
3:07 p.m.: "As I leave, I don't mind breaking the bank."
3:08 p.m.: Sam Ings is talking about gunshots and I can't even..
3:13 p.m.: SAM INGS IS STILL TALKING BECAUSE HE IS ALWAYS TALKING AND GODDAMNIT.
3:15 p.m.: Jim Gray doesn't like "bandit signs" in his district. Also, has a conflict with a townhome development. Also, is straight out of '70s local government.
3:16 p.m.: Tony Ortiz is talking about former Miss America Ericka Dunlap, who I happen to know! "Oh, yeah," says Buddy Dyer in the background, creepily. "That's my little story," his mustache says. Also, love to all the mothers out there. Speaking of, have you watched this yet? Jarring.
3:19 p.m.: Eminem is way better than Tony Ortiz in the delivery department. This is neverending.
3:22 p.m.: Robert Stuart. Footloose. Discuss.
3:23 p.m.: ROBERT STUART IS BIG UPPING FRINGE. All 264 performances. There will be "something for everybody." Also, Stuart is doing the E-Street thing too, and I don't even know what to think about it. "Demographic vs. Geographic?" Seriously? "Go Manchester City," meaning he likes the FUTBOL.
3:26 p.m.: PATTY IS DEEPLY CONCERNED THAT INGS HAD SO MUCH INFLUENCE ON DAISY'S FASHION. Patty thinks the murals are awesome and they should be permanent. It's the solution to graffiti. But maybe a little less advertisey, though? Also, she just revealed the "New Logo" will be unveiled this week, SO THAT'S THE BIG SECRET?
3:30 p.m.: OMG WE'RE IN ORDINANCES NOW, SO CLOSE TO DONE, BUT THAT GUY FROM TWO WEEKS AGO WHO WAS MAD ABOUT DUMPSTERS TOTALLY GOT HIS WAY BUT NOW IS AFRAID OF "VERMIN, SOUND AND SMELL."
3:35 p.m.: OK, this is going super long, too. ALSO, MY GMAIL JUST CRASHED. IS ANYONE ELSE FEELING THIS EMPTINESS?
3:47 p.m.: SIDEWALK CAFE ORDINANCE PASSES ON SECOND READ.
3:49 p.m.: IT'S OVER. I'M GOING TO GO PASS OUT ON A SIDEWALK, LEGALLY. THANKS FOR PLAYING. FAREWELL, DAISY!