Good day, dear political boredom seekers!!!!! We're about to embark on this (bi-)weekly foray into the red-hot sexiness of civic improvement. In what appears to be a particularly slow news week – EXCEPT FOR WHAT WILL BE AN ETERNAL CIRCLE JERK ABOUT WORKPLACE GIVING AT THE TOP (also, weight issues and "ORLANDO: YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT" campaign bluster, ironically). There will be issues about Mears (Not Uber), Orlando Health, and, well, Ruby Tuesday, because that still happens with slight burgers. Join us in a minute for a liveblog.
2:07 p.m.: PRAYERS ARE HAPPENING. GOD NEEDS TO INTERVENE. Always confused about thanking the "Lord" for the city staff and elected officials. Not sure the "Lord" worked any miracles in the last municipal election. ALTHOUGH, we did get Regina Hill.
2:10 p.m.: APPARENTLY, Commissioner Tony Ortiz AND HIS MUSTACHE are missing, so there will be no quorum. We're into the workplace giving piece, and that so far has included somebody named Rusty Nail.
2:16 p.m.: Rusty Nail is a bit of a rusty nail, like in that sexy porn kind of way.
2:18 p.m.: The city is more generous than the county. JUST SO YOU KNOW. Thanks, Rusty.
2:20 p.m.: We're on to fat shaming for "Healthy Weight Community Champions" presentation. The city has volleyball courts. AND ZUMBA. AND KARATE. AND YOGA. I feel fat.
2:26 p.m.: SOMEBODY IS GOING TO SAY SYNERGY. NOPE, EVEN WORSE: "ATTHATS," which doesn't mean anything. This is the "You don't know the half of it" bullshit piece that somebody at the chamber or with a "consulting" firm pulled together to make us all believe in neoculturalism that ignores Disney... How does Disney feel about it? OH, WAIT. HERE COMES A VIDEO.
2:34 p.m.: That "You don't know the half of it" thing sounds vaguely threatening in a sexual way. JUST SAYIN'. Now, the Sanford-Burnham Institute talking about diabetes and obesity research. THIS IS FASCINATING. I will never eat again.
2:37 p.m.: EVERYONE IS FAT. YOU SHOULD GO TO THE GYM AND HAVE A BABY.
2:42 p.m.: we are even talking about muscle physiology now. THAT'S WHAT IS HAPPENING. Oh, and protein.
2:49 p.m.: Florida Hospital and "clusters" mentioned in the same sentence with "medical city?" Check. "A state driven entity that allows all of the different nonprofit organizations in Florida to do research on drugs within our building." PARTY.
2:57 p.m.: I am not kidding when I say that THIS BURNHAM THING IS STILL HAPPENING. We are the Borg. Lots of talk about "productivity" and "food desserts." Regina Hill is worried for her "inner city" district. We love Regina.
3 p.m.: 44,000 tix have been sold for #fillthebowl, the Orlando City Soccer season debut at the Citrus Bowl. "Fill the bowl," is pretty unfortunate as terms go, but we love MLS and Phil Rawlins. We just freak out at toilets.
3:02 p.m.: "Digigirls" is a thing. It's a Microsoft thing. It's happening.
3:11 p.m.: PATTY SHEEHAN IS TALKING!!!! She's talking about Paws in the Park and the Pet Alliance, because one spayed or neutered pet can stop 100 pets from being born. SEXY.
3:13 p.m.: ASIAN NEW YEAR MADE FASHION SQUARE ACTUALLY HAVE CUSTOMERS, SHE SAYS. "More people than in 20 years."
3:15 p.m.: Regina Hill is talking about sundry things that mostly involve the term "thank you." NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT MY WEDDING.
3:17 p.m.: Can we just say how much more likable this District 5 commissioner is than the last one?
3:26 p.m.: Regina Hill is actually finished. She talked too long. But now everyone is singing Happy Birthday to Alana Brenner, city clerk.
3:27 p.m.: Sam Ings seems pretty amused by himself, which is funny because he's not very amusing. PEE BREAK.
3:35 p.m.: Sam Ings is still talking. It's Black History Month, and he's quoting Harriet Tubman. Then there's this.
3:37 p.m.: Jim Gray believes rather heavily in Hyatt as a company.
3:45 p.m.: Gelzer is complaining that all of the development districts in Orlando are actually for white people.
3:47 p.m.: "Can I say the district numbers? I was told I couldn't say the names," says Gelzer. She means district 5 and 6. Mayor Buddy Dyer is playing sort of jerky saying, "I just think you should know about something before you come to promote it."
3:51 p.m.: "You're disrespectful," Dyer just said. "You need to stop your racial attitude to me," Gelzer replied. HOLY SHIT, THAT WAS INTENSE. Worth the popcorn.