If you’ve tuned into local Orlando radio, chances are you’ve caught one of the catchy jingles used to promote the legal and medical referral service 411 PAIN. The company has been remixing popular music to advertise its services over the radio waves for several years now, mixing rhymes about auto accidents and medical emergencies to the beat of sprightly tunes like “Jingle Bells” or Pharell’s “Happy.”
We tasked our music nerds with selecting 10 of the most inspired selections from the 411-PAIN oeuvre. But heed well this warning, fair reader: Take care when you stare into the abyss, for the abyss may stare back at you.
No. 10: Jingle Bells - This Christmas classic has been kicking around for the better part of 158 years, but 411-PAIN has managed to breath new life into the hoary melody with slick dubstep drops and an unforgiving synth score. A young woman – an Auto-Tuned angel from some timeless epoch of human experience – intones a somber ballad about the destruction of her glorious chariot, which neither the “beats by [her] side” nor the guidance of twinkling stars could help her avoid. We wish you the best in your erstwhile search for peace, thou starry-eyed cherubim.
No. 9: Heard It On The Radio - Watch out, Drake, ‘cause this high-voiced crooner has more than just 411-Pain’s number: He’s got yours. A jumpy rhythm brings to mind that one bar in Jamaica you visited during spring break that was just, so authentic, bruh.
No. 8: #Preach
- Accidents can happen every day, but this upbeat reimagining of a southern gospel hymn will have you tapping your feet and racing to dial 411; or, if you’re like me, reconsidering your life choices as you agonize over the many possible career options afforded by a liberal arts degree that has you writing about radio jingles for your unpaid internship.
No. 7: Car Swerved In Your Lane
- What do you get when you pair a dramatic string quartet with a demo loop cribbed straight from baby’s first keyboard? The knowledge that hope has died, and that all beauty is lost to the world.
No. 6: Happy
- A generic tune, a generic beat and a completely incongruous title (Happy? Really? You just got in an accident, bruh) are the only memorable things about this song.
No. 5: All Day All Night
- This is not, to my utmost disappointment, a remix of the short-lived europop group Eiffel 65's chart-topping single I'm Blue (Da Ba Dee). Get over the initial downer of the song's bait-and-switch and you'll find a decent synthesis of R&B over a surprisingly tight eurodance beat. Or maybe I'm just a sucker for German girls barking orders over synths — but who isn't?
No. 4: My Neck, My Back
- They've taken Khia's famous paean to the virtues of cunnilingus and crafted a fascist march demanding that you "just do it." Here's another "it" you might considering doing: Stop the song, close your computer and take a walk to clear your head of the knowledge that such a tune exists.
No. 3: Stay In Your Lane
- STOP TELLING ME WHAT DO TO.
No. 2: Driving Down Main Street - This is how Europeans think country music sounds; but, aside from that, an inoffensive rendition of Southern tunes.
No. 1: Llama
- This song is No. 1 because I couldn't understand a word of it. Perfect, except for the fact that it reminded me how I failed Spanish.