Universal Orlando Resort announced today that the next expansion of its immensely popular Wizarding World of Harry Potter will include an opportunity for one young fan to step into the shoes of the Boy (or Girl) Who Lived – and become an orphan.
The contest is open to children aged 6-12, and is expected to coincide with the reopening of the soon-to-be-renovated Dragon Challenge area at Universal's Islands of Adventure. Contestants must first submit a 250-word essay explaining why they identify with the character of Harry Potter and how becoming an orphan will change their life.
"It's really a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity we have here," said self-described public relations witch Simona Fizzleworth. "We expect to get thousands of submissions from aspiring orphans from all over the world," she continued. "Narrowing those down to just three finalists is really going to be heartbreaking work for our team."
The three finalists and their families will then be invited to the Universal Orlando Resort for a weekend of competitions and prizes, explained Fizzleworth. "We haven't finalized what the competition will look like exactly," she said, "but we're taking a lot of inspiration from the Tri-Wizard Tournament from Goblet of Fire,
so we'll probably have some riddles, some swimming, a maze, stuff like that."
The winner will then get to be an orphan, though parents shouldn't worry too much. "Oh, no, we're not gonna kill them or anything! God, no. That would be murder," explained Fizzleworth. "We're just going to have them relinquish all parental rights and responsibilities to NBCUniversal and swear never to have any further contact with them."
When asked why any parent would agree to such a stipulation, Fizzleworth explained, "Have you met these Harry Potter nerds? Some of them are just insufferable, always talking about who's sorted into what house or whatever. I mean, Jesus Christ, it's made up
. You may as well believe in astrology or some other crap. I mean, if that were one of my kids, I'd lose no sleep over getting rid of them. Would you?"
Editor's note: April Fools. Yes, this story is indeed satire. Enjoy.