Wally’s Liquors rebrands as artisanal kombucha bar


Wally’s Mills Avenue Liquors, one of Orlando’s cornerstone dive bars, has turned over a new leaf – instead of plying customers with booze, the plucky drinkery hopes to quench their thirst with delicious kombucha.

“We’re betting that people will love the probiotic effects of fermented tea drinks as much as they love the super fun cognitive effects of alcohol!” said owner Wally Updike.

Updike promises that the Orlando landmark will keep plenty of its original charm. "Oh you can still smoke in here," said Updike. "Yeah, that's not gonna change."

Wally's will be swapping out the taps over the next few weeks, but artisanal kombucha is already available. “I showed up to Wally’s at 2 p.m. last Wednesday, and I was pretty upset when they didn’t have watermelon schnapps anymore,” said third shift nurse Michael Pewler. “But the kombucha still makes me vomit if I drink a lot of it really fast, so that’s a selling point.”

Editor's note: April Fools. Yes, this story is indeed satire. Enjoy.