Rick Scott has been tasked to make the GOP more appealing to millennials


  • Photo by Jeremy Reper
Florida Gov. Rick Scott, whose final horcrux is a half-eaten hoagie discarded in the parking lot of a Wawa, is the new chairman of a super PAC that wants to make the Republican Party appealing for millennials and Latinos.

New Republican, which was founded by Republican strategist Alex Castellanos, wants to "re-brand and re-invent" the GOP away from explaining conservatism in "tired old political jargon and cliches" to selling the right-wing agenda with hip buzzwords like "open economy," "open education" and "organic bottom up solutions." The superPAC ultimately wants these new Republicans to wholeheartedly throw their support behind the ideas of President Donald Trump, who inspired thousands of young women to go out into the streets after he said, "When you’re a star, they let you do it, you can do anything. Grab them by the pussy."

So of course Scott, a Voldemort doppelgänger who was once heckled and chased out of a Starbucks by a muggle, is the best person to take this quasi-Libertarian message out to the youths.

"This is not a nostalgic effort to go back to Ronald Reagan," Scott, 64, says in a statement. "Instead, we are going to do for our party in our time what Ronald Reagan did for his party in his time: Attract young voters, the voters of the future. We are going to bring generational change to the Republican Party. This is crucial. We have a great message for younger voters. Our focus on open systems fits the experience of younger voters, and our focus on bottom up organic solutions as opposed to top down antiquated government systems is a perfect fit for younger voters."

Scott has his work cut out for him, though – he's also tasked with making his Orange Overlord more appealing to Latinos, who for some wild reason, still are upset about a 2015 quote from Trump where he said, "When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. ... They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists."

But Scott, who is expected to run for U.S. Senate in 2018, is confident his garbled Spanish will appeal to Latinos because hey, he won them over in his re-election.

"In both of my campaigns for Governor, I refused to accept the idea that Republicans cannot win the hearts and minds of Hispanic voters," Scott says in a statement. "In my experience, Latinos want to pursue the American Dream with a gusto that puts a lot of other folks to shame. They should absolutely be Republicans. I will summarize it this way: The idea of the emerging Democratic majority is a fraud."

New Republican is launching TV and digital advertising in the coming months that so far, are just black-and-white stock photos of mostly hipsters played to Alan Silvestri’s Forrest Gump soundtrack. Be inspired, millennials, because if someone actually got paid to make this video, maybe you, too, can make it in this economy.

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