Following a barrage of insults from Parkland shooting survivors, Florida Sen. Marco Rubio has reportedly built an elaborate tunnel system, complete with booby traps, to keep teenagers away from his NRA donations.
Located beneath an undisclosed location in Florida, the secret tunnels run for miles and are only accessible through a fireplace in a restaurant that locals say is usually a summer place.
"Yeah, he really doesn't want to give up this NRA money," says a source familiar with the tunnels. "He's got this giant organ thing, made out of human bones, and let me tell you, you don't want to play the wrong tune on that baby."
Another source close to the situation said Rubio's donations are guarded by a massive squid-like creature that will certainly keep the teens away.
This story is 100 percent satire. Nothing you read here is remotely true. Happy April Fools' Day.