When the Mobility 20/20 transportation initiative went down in flames last week, the pundits said Orange County was doomed to decades of paralyzing gridlock. But here at the Orange County Commission and the City of Orlando, we think we have a better line on the message you, the voters, were trying to send. It's not new taxes you're opposed to, nor the concept of a 10-lane interstate. What you want is a guarantee that a widened I-4 won't just keep filling up with new motorists as our land of sunshine and prosperity continues its outward sprawl. A toll lane you can live with; unchecked population growth is what's scaring you stiff. That's why we're proposing a sweeping new reform package that will rectify the problem of congested highways once and for all:
"Sterility 20/20" solves Orange County's traffic nightmare the old-fashioned way: by preventing the next generation of drivers from even being born. Under "Sterility 20/20," all county residents of reproductive age will submit to a carefully engineered program of radiation therapy (and, in a few extreme cases, castration) that will reduce the freshman-driver pool to zero in just a few short years.
The benefits are miraculous; the logic, obvious. No new babies means no new cars on the highway. And with not one extra Mini Cooper jockeying for position on our already busy roads, you, the rush-hour warrior, won't encounter an extra second of delay in getting to where you work, live or play.
"Sterility 20/20 is our only hope to fix the transit mess." -- Doug Carmody, lifelong resident
"Sure, I love kids. But I love my free time even more." -- Julie Corbett, paralegal
Sound drastic? Not at all. Once you accept the idea that any progress requires sacrifice, "Sterility 20/20" starts to look like a serious no- brainer. Would you rather enjoy the limited rewards of furthering your bloodline into the new century, or would you like to get to a Magic game and back in under 12 hours? Besides, think of the money you'll save on Huggies. Think of the time you won't have to devote to PTA meetings and appearances in juvenile court. Think of the blessed quiet. Plus, the medical processes involved carry the full guarantee of Orange County government and the City of Orlando -- the same folks who fill our skies with fireworks every Fourth of July! When it comes to population control, "Sterility 20/20" is an option that's both safe and efficient. It sure beats smashing your manhood with a hammer.
"Sterility 20/20 is a project with a real sperm count!" -- Larry Sharp, web designer
"Like it's going to affect me one way or the other." -- The Hon. Patty Sheehan
And unlike inferior proposals, "Sterility 20/20" will only get better with age. How? Think of it in terms of a simple graph. First, picture a flat line signifying the number of automobiles on the road. Then envision a diagonal line that represents the natural death rate of our beloved seniors. As the two lines intersect, the amount of maneuvering room available to each vehicle will actually increase! Simply put, a moratorium on procreation is our county's golden ticket to leisurely motoring.
"Between my E-PASS and my birth canal, I know which one I'd rather be using." -- Sandra Green, cocktail waitress
"Eliminating new cars from the landscape is an idea whose time has ... hey, now!" -- Roger Holler, Holler Chevrolet
You health freaks will find plenty to love about "Sterility 20/20," too. It's a plan that encourages clean living: The longer you can hang on, the more asphalt you'll grab. When the project reaches its logical conclusion, afternoon traffic will consist of just one hale-and-hearty citizen in a Subaru, tooling happily from his low-stress job to an exhilarating workout session with his personal trainer. One man, one vote, one chariot ... nothing could be fairer.
"All I can say is, the sumbitch better have exact change." -- Wanda Henry, toll collector
"You mean I'll be able to change lanes without signaling? Great, I do that already!" -- Warren Meader, scofflaw
Don't let this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity pass you by. Vote "yes" to "Sterility 20/20." They say that children are the future, but what good is the future if you can't get there on time?
It works in Tibet. It can work here.
(Paid for by Ax the Sacs)