Kenneth Ward Fowler
1872 Battered Pines Blvd., Oviedo, FL 32765
To secure an upper-management position with an established family-entertainment conglomerate ideally, one beloved the world over for dispensing fairy dust as freely as crank on a charter-school playground. The job I am seeking is one that will allow me to make full use of my highly advanced professional skills, including efficient time management, superior interpersonal communication, an unblemished driving record and a constitutional aversion to ugly boardroom coup attempts. Interested in working with animals, especially mice, ducks and zoologically indeterminate horse/dog hybrids.
SALES ASSOCIATE, Lady Foot Locker, 11/03-present
Responsible for all phases of the retail experience, from greeting customers to managing inventory to negotiating coffee breaks with union stock boys who only speak Portuguese. Responsibilities do not include any of the following: decimating family business traditions; sowing ill will among shareholders; consistently sacrificing company prestige to the bottom line; acquiring underperforming TV networks; awarding budget-busting golden parachutes to notoriously bad hires; and letting workplace conditions go to hell in a handbasket before the dismayed eyes of longtime patrons.
Single-handedly instituted "Give a little whistle" program of notifying security guards that sexual predators are on the property.
SERVER/WAITRON, Colonel Caramel's Old-Time Fudge Tunnel, 05/02-10/03
Acted as customer/kitchen liaison for franchised ice-cream emporium, providing the dessert-eating public with trayful upon trayful of sundaes, splits, malts and related sweet treats. Ancillary duties included updating "today's special flavors" board, replenishing rest rooms with paper towels and polishing an obscene amount of chrome. Worked hard to preserve company's mutually profitable association with Pixar Studios, mostly by setting up repeat customers with free passes to Finding Nemo at neighboring cineplex.
REGIONAL PERIODICALS DISTRIBUTOR, 5/91-8/92
Facilitated prompt, reliable deliveries of GRIT, America's family newspaper. Working solo afforded me total, hands-on control over paper's presence in the community. Translation: On my watch, zero subscribers were murdered by private police force, and none sued parent company for accidental maimings. Work experience also allowed me to cultivate a mean throwing arm I can only imagine as an asset in the rough-and-tumble corridors of executive power.
EDUCATION VALENCIA COMMUNITY COLLEGE, 08/01-03/02
Studied business science, with emphasis on brand marketing and corporate ethics. Areas of scholarship included profit assessment, retail/media cross-pollination and why it's bad form to call a former underling a "midget" when he's fully capable of suing your ass. Maintained solid 3.2 GPA until academic career was sidelined due to prolonged heat rash. Even while bedridden, did not bungle any contract talks with Hilary Duff's mother.
ACTIVITIES & MEMBERSHIPS
Delegate to Epcot model U.N., 1998 (representing Trinidad/Tobago)
Celebration Homeowners' Association Waiting List (rank: #1,135)
HONORS & AWARDS
"Solid Citizen" award, Seminole County Optimist Club, 1993
Honorable mention, Aladdin look-alike contest, 1992
Avid reader, with emphasis on profusely illustrated, drastically abridged versions of literary classics. Also enjoy mildly fictionalized stories about plucky Americans who overcome easily grasped hardships to succeed in heartwarming, societally sanctioned ways. Four years spent fronting Christian-rock combo equals serious experience defusing the complaints of easily offended Baptists. Appreciate most traditional animation, especially flip books.
Negotiable, but $750K-$1M range preferred. Willing to accept slightly lower in favor of stock-options package competitive with that of typical outgoing, demonically overrewarded CEO. Pin-collecting hobby keeps me open to taking salary shortfalls out in trade.