Arts & Culture » I Love Television

A FICKLE PICKLE

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I am not a fickle man. Once I give my allegiance to something, that something will almost always retain my allegiance. For example, I hate Nazis. I promise to keep hating Nazis, even though there are only about 27 of them left. (For those who are about to send me blistering, invective-filled e-mails – I know there are more than 27 Nazis left. There are at least 30.) I also hate TV Guide, dirty hippies, nerds, recurring STDs, Star Wars characters on cornflakes boxes, the Beatles, filthy bellybuttons and seasons 4 through 11 of M*A*S*H (i.e., any episode including that mustachioed cretin Mike "Blow Job Hunnicut" Farrell). These things never have to worry whether or not I will ever stop hating them, because I – as previously mentioned – am not a fickle man.

However! There are nonetheless rare occasions when even my immense lack of fickleness can be tested. For example, let's say that the surviving Beatles were to buy back all their incredibly overrated albums and toss them into an incinerator. While this act wouldn't erase the years of damage inflicted upon my eardrums by their endlessly repetitive limey horseshit pop tunes Ã? it might make me somewhat less inclined to vomit whenever I think of them.

But there's a flip side as well. What about my most beloved TV shows that continually try my patience? Such as Alias? After that first episode, when Jennifer Garner marched around in her underpants kicking crooks in the nutsacks, I swore my eternal allegiance. But … C'MON! How much am I supposed to take? Every season the show gets progressively worse, with looping unconnected plotlines, boring new characters and now a pregnant female lead who's traded in her bustier for granny panties.

Even my fave teen drama, The O.C., seems to be losing its sheen. Ryan barely gets into any fights, Marissa's alcoholism disappeared like a common cold and Summer hasn't whipped off her top in two seasons! What the FAWK?! Why do they think I watch this show??!

But this year's biggest disappointment is the new season of Lost. After last year's slam-bang premiere featuring invisible monsters, Lord of the Flies-style politics and angry tropical polar bears, the second season has been dragging ass like a paraplegic donkey. While a few secrets were revealed – mostly via the hilarious "orientation film" that partially explained the island's botched scientific experiments – Lost is starting to smack of the Twin Peaks curse: a mystery that the writers are either incapable, or have no intention, of resolving.

And while the character flashbacks of last year – which revealed how each castaway made it to the island – were illuminating enough, now these same flashbacks are simply repetitious and are taking time away from more important scenes Ã? like Evangeline Lilly skinny-dipping in the lagoon. Agreed, new cast member Michelle Rodriguez looks slammin' in those tight jeans – but C'MON! What happened to the invisible monsters and tropical polar bears? If they're anything like me, they've been bored poopless by the first three episodes of Lost and have gone into hibernation.

So don't tempt me, Alias, O.C. and Lost! I am not a fickle man – but I am vengeful. Just ask those Beatle-lovin' Nazi hippies! (Or Mike Farrell, if he's available.)

Test my patience at … steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, NOV. 3
8 pm FOX THE O.C.
Ryan, Marissa, Seth and Summer are back, and the "Dean of Discipline" is still a jerkhole.

8 pm WB SMALLVILLE
November sweeps stunt casting continues with special guest star Tom "Dukes of Hazzard" Wopat.

FRIDAY, NOV. 4
8 pm FOX BERNIE MAC
In order to discipline the kids, Wanda steals Bernie's secret weapon – whooping that ass with a belt!

11 pm HBO REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Season finale! Bill and guests continue to hilariously skewer the Bush boys in the final episode of the season.

SATURDAY, NOV. 5
8 pm CMT JOHNNY CASH IN SAN QUENTIN
The historic concert in which Cash entertained the boys behind bars!

SUNDAY, NOV. 6
8 pm FOX THE SIMPSONS
Brand-new episodes, including the famed "Treehouse of Horror XVI"!

11 pm TOON THE BOONDOCKS
Debut! Adult Swim welcomes this shit-hot adaptation of the racially aware comic strip.

MONDAY, NOV. 7
8 pm FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Yay! Two new back-to-back episodes featuring Michael's lackluster attempts at wooing Rita and sniffing out a company mole.

8:30 pm COM THE COLBERT REPORT
Check out this heee-larious parody of Fox News pundit shows – it's just as funny as The Daily Show!

TUESDAY, NOV. 8
8 pm UPN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Cue the catfights and lesbian lip locks – here's a pant-load of unseen footage from the past eight episodes!

8 pm WB GILMORE GIRLS
Just when things were heating up with Logan, in walks Rory's bad-boy ex, Jess.

WEDNESDAY, NOV. 9
9 pm UPN VERONICA MARS
Veronica helps a convicted murderer find his missing daughter – because she's cool like that.

9 pm ABC LOST
Lost returns with new episodes, and Sawyer's gunshot wound becomes life-threatening (and hopefully non-boring).


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