How are columnist Dave Barry and Aquaman similar? Both are annoying assholes. Dave Barry has essentially been writing the same humor column every week for the last bazillion years, while Aquaman is a completely useless piece of flotsam (or is that jetsam?) whose only super ability is bossing around tuna. Why the comparison? Like Dave Barry, I'm a columnist. And it's always been my fear that I will someday become him writing the same tediously unfunny gags week after week. And as you may have noticed, I've written a number of "Aquaman" columns, in which I describe in scurrilous detail how this fish-stinking loser is the world's worst superhero. HOWEVER! Since Aquaman is slated to appear on one of my fave WB teen shows, I Ã?nd myself in a seemingly unwinnable situation: Should I ignore a prime opportunity to lambaste this faggy fish stick (which is admittedly as challenging as pushing a retarded kid down a flight of steps) or succumb to my desires and risk becoming that lazy tub of crap Dave Barry?
Well … never let it be said I walked away from pushing a retarded kid down the stairs.
Rush to your TV set NOW and TiVo tonight's episode of Smallville (WB, 8 p.m. Thursday, Oct 20)! Yes, this episode features a guest-shot from Mr. Chicken of the Sea himself, Aquaman however! Where there's Aquaman, there's water, and where there's water on an episode of Smallville, that can only mean one thing: Clark Kent (Tom Welling) whipping off his tighty T-shirt to reveal the juiciest piece of man-meat this side of The Rock. And who's that seminude person sliding into the water behind him? Why, it's Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk), TV's hottiest hottie, who's letting the junk out of her trunk and putting the "YOWZA!" in my "TROWZAZ!"
But (groan … ) then there's Aquaman. Now, because I'm a fan of Tom Welling's abdominal section, I've remained silent when Smallville butchered such great characters as Mr. Mxyzptlk and The Flash. But when they decide to add Aquaman to the mix how can you butcher something that's already been butchered? And get this! The role of Aquaman will be played by Alan Ritchson and if that name sounds familiar, you should be ashamed of yourself … because his claim to fame is being a semifinalist on American Idol!
Isn't that just too freaking perfect?! The lamest superhero in the world being played by someone who could only muster being a semifinalist on the lamest show in the world?!? If they were that desperate, why not cast William Hung?
But on the upside, Ritchson is hung … and in the best of ways. I've been checking out his underwear modeling pictures, and I have to admit there's plenty of meat on this flounder! And from what I've heard about this episode of Smallville, Lana Lang agrees and considers dumping Clark to take a ride on Aquaman's wild pink sea-pony! Boo-YAH!
So although it has become part of my job description to steer you away from anything Aquaman-related you should definitely check out this episode of Smallville. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to push Dave Barry down a flight of stairs.
Aquaman: the singing fish stick. firstname.lastname@example.org
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, OCT. 20
8 p.m. UPN EVERYONE HATES CHRIS
The poop hits the fan when that fat bastard Fat Mike steals Chris' bike.
8 p.m. WB SMALLVILLE
Forget Aquaman this episode also features Buffy's James Marsters as Brainiac!
FRIDAY, OCT. 21
8:30 p.m. FOX MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE
Hal catches Dewey smoking cigarettes and makes him star in one of those really annoying "Truth" commercials.
10 p.m. MTV MADONNA: SECRET
A behind-the-scenes documentary about Madonna's 2004 tour. What's the big secret? Metamucil!
SATURDAY, OCT. 22
4:30 p.m. FOX WORLD SERIES
Can we please get this stupid series over with so we can get back to watchable TV? THANK YOU.
11 p.m. BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO
This week's guest: the great actress Rosie O'Donnell. I guess the great actor Carrot Top was busy.
SUNDAY, OCT. 23
Noon FX PRISON BREAK MARATHON
Catch up on all six episodes of America's favorite jailbird drama.
9 p.m. PBS MASTERPIECE THEATRE
Hot limey Rupert Everett plays master sleuth Sherlock Holmes in "The Case of the Silk Stocking."
MONDAY, OCT. 24
8:30 p.m. CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
How does this crappy show keep ending up on everybody's "Best New Show" list? Am I nuts? (Don't answer that.)
TUESDAY, OCT. 25
8 p.m. ABC IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN
After experimenting with unknown hallucinogenics, Linus is found nude and screaming in the pumpkin patch.
9 p.m. WB SUPERNATURAL
Sam and Dean go after the classic lover's lane urban myth the "Hook Man."
WEDNESDAY, OCT. 26
9 p.m. UPN VERONICA MARS
Veronica has a crap attack when a mysterious figure from her past returns.
10 p.m. ABC INVASION
Russell attempts to catch one of the aliens that poked his bottom.