If you've been reading Orlando Weekly's letters page recently, you know that some of our readers have kicked up quite a bit of fuss over our allegation that the FCAT system of school testing invites administrative skullduggery. While a defense of our position is beyond the purview of Dog Playing Poker, we're frankly concerned by the incorrect implication of these letters: that this newspaper is somehow "against cheating." To defuse that potentially damaging misconception -- and give our struggling schools a sorely needed leg up -- we proudly present a document that has never before been seen by the public. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the answer key to next year's FCAT:
FCAT Answer Key
1.) While on a promotional trip to Berlin, Michael Jackson stuns onlookers by dangling his infant son off a fourth-floor balcony. In literary terms, what technique is he employing?
a. allusion (to the Renaissance-era phenomenon of defenestration)
b. irony (in that most folks still can't believe Michael Jackson has kids to dangle off balconies in the first place)
c. simile (A day without a good Wacko Jacko story is like a TV dinner without apple cobbler)
d. He is not employing any literary technique; it's just a cheap bid to get Eric Clapton to play on his next album
2.) Carefully read the following excerpt from The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter -- to-morrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther ... And one fine morning --
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
What is the central idea of this passage?
a. Green lights are a poor design choice at orgies.
b. The pursuit of the American Dream is an inherently corrupting endeavor.
c. It takes one to know one.
d. If you're going boating with F. Scott Fitzgerald, take a life jacket.
3.) Identify the word that is not a synonym for "security."
4.) Winona Ryder is to Belz Factory Outlet as Christina Aguilera is to ...
a. TD Waterhouse Centre
b. Club Juana
c. Beardall Senior Center
d. Your little brother's Kleenex stash
5.) 7 x 90 =
c. (pie symbol)
d. (the artist formally known as symbol)
6.) Teddy Kennedy has 13 liters of bourbon hidden in his desk. Assuming a consumption rate of two liters per day, how long will it be before his office runs bone dry?
a. Two days
b. Six and a half days
c. An entire legislative session
d. None of the above: Though empires may crumble, continental plates shift and the seas churn red with blood, Teddy Kennedy will never run out of alcohol.
7.) The owner of an I-Drive T-shirt shop is charged with supporting the Al Qaeda terrorist network. The businessman's good name is irrevocably besmirched, and civil-liberties advocates bemoan a new low in racial profiling. Your question: At a wholesale cost of $2.35, how many T-shirts must the store owner sell to suicide bombers in order to pay his lawyers' fees?
c. A gross, whatever that is
d. USA! USA!
8.) Which occurs most often in nature?
a. Gravity pulls a heavy object toward the Earth
b. A living organism breaks down food into its component parts for energy
c. A TV entertainment-news program broadcasts the footage of a bikini-clad Halle Berry emerging from the ocean in "Die Another Day"
d. You hear your own name
9.) It's important that today's students be able to distinguish fact from fantasy. Read this list of developments in the ongoing disgrace of Britain's royal family, picking out the item that is instead a plot thread from the Harry Potter series.
a. The tragic loss of his mother and father cements a young man's reputation as "The Boy Who Lived"
b. The tragic loss of his mother cements a young man's reputation as "The Boy Who Lived It Up"
c. An elite institution is revealed to be a haven for sexual predators
d. All three apply equally
10.) Which of these branches of government is controlled by the president?
e. Who's counting?
11.) According to state law, which is an abomination in the eyes of God?
a. Gay marriage
b. Gay adoption
c. Gay entrepreneurship
d. Any hairstyle ever worn by Orlando Mayor Glenda Hood, at any time, for any reason
12.) Florida voters approve sweeping educational reforms whose cost is estimated in the billions of dollars. At the same time, they overwhelmingly elect Republican candidates who have devoted their political careers to tax-reduction principles. Where does the money come from?
The train that leaves Saskatchewan at 3 p.m. will arrive in Chicago two hours earlier than the train that leaves New York at noon.