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"Berlitz-krieg bop"

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California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger dodged a public-relations bullet last week, when he blamed his poor English for his controversial statement that his state's border with Mexico should be closed in order to combat illegal immigration. Schwarzenegger subsequently clarified that he had meant to say the border should be secured, not closed.

"Yesterday was a total screw-up in the words I used," the governor said at a news conference. "Because instead of closing, I meant securing. I think maybe my English, I need to go back to school and study a little bit."

Perhaps. But in the interim, the people of California and the United States need better assurance that they truly understand which specific thought Schwarzenegger is trying to convey at any given time. To that end, here are some sample sentences from the soon-to-be-published first edition of the Arnold-to-English Dictionary, which will allow users to instantly translate egregious examples of Conan-speak into recognizable language.



ARNOLD
"Close duh boahdahs in Califonya, and all across Mexico and duh United States."
ENGLISH
Secure the borders in California, and all across Mexico and the United States. Just don't leave the job to the girly-men.
ARNOLD
"I t'ink it is just unfaih to have all dese people coming acwoss, have duh boahdahs open duh way it is, and have dis kind of lax situation."
ENGLISH
It is terribly unfair that illegal immigration has been allowed to rise to the level of an epidemic, and also that it takes so long to go through the drive-through at Taco Bell.
ARNOLD
"Aftah watching mulattas shake it, I can totally undahstand why Bwazil is devoted to my favowite body part, duh ass."
ENGLISH
Only a rigorously applied system of economic checks and balances can ensure workplace parity to women of all races and backgrounds.
ARNOLD
"I'm very much for childwen and childwen's issues and all dat stuff. I t'ink that duh childwen should have duh first call in our treasury."
ENGLISH
I think that your daughter has a great butt, and I'm not just saying that because it's last call.
ARNOLD
"All I can tell you is dat I despise everyt'ing Hitler stood foah. I despise everyt'ing duh Nazis stood foah ... everyt'ing duh T'ird Reich stood foah."
ENGLISH
I have not yet realized my career goal of working with Steven Spielberg, so I am happy to write a check to whoever can grease the wheels. How does one spell "Wiesenthal"?
ARNOLD
"Yes, it is twue dat I was on rowdy movie sets. And I have done t'ings dat were not right, which I t'ought then was playful. But now I recognize dat I offended people."
ENGLISH
Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money.
ARNOLD
"In dis country, it doesn't make any difference where you were bawn. It doesn't make any difference who your pawents were. It doesn't make any difference if, like me, you couldn't even speak English until you were in your twennies."
ENGLISH
Good afternoon, my dear second cousin Klaus. You look to be in a healthy state. Has the harvesting season begun, or shall we go to market together?
ARNOLD
"I t'ink maybe my English, I need to go back to school and study a little bit."
ENGLISH
I think maybe my English, I need to go home and have a good laugh at how it disarms voters who were bred to fear intellect. Otherwise, I'd be stuck grabbing hooters on the set of Predator VIII.
ARNOLD
"I'll be back."
ENGLISH
I'll be back to secure the border.

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