If a desperate moment turns into the right moment ... will you be ready?

You're a guy. Your needs are simple and few. But vacationing alone is enough to get anybody down. Six days and nights of coming back to an empty hotel room, only to flick on the tube and be bombarded with ads full of happy, vacationing families ... well, that's the kind of input that would have even Robert Young feeling like a washout in the game of life.

Lucky for you, you're in Orlando, the fun capital of the southeast. After Splash Mountaining and Dueling Dragoning to your heart's content, you're ready to partake of the other amenity that makes this such a tourist-friendly town: the easy availability of transvestite hookers. Maybe your angel-for-hire is named Jackee. Or maybe it's just Jack. Either way, a few minutes on a carefully chosen street corner puts you within propositioning distance of an afternoon of expert TLC that's guaranteed to make you feel like a new "man."

And that's no time to have to worry about erectile dysfunction.

Let's face it, you're already humiliated. You know how far you've sunk. Your brain is swimming with troubling questions: How did I get here? Can I ever look my golfing buddies in the eye again? Am I gay, or what? How much for around the world? The last thing you need is to throw another log of agita on the fire by fretting that you might not be able to perform.

See, happily married couples can afford to laugh off the occasional bout of impotence. Beloved household breadwinners get to hear, "It happens to every guy now and then." But you haven't got that kind of leeway. Your moment of opportunity could pass by as quickly as it came. And if that doesn't strike you as especially urgent, remember that there's money at stake. You don't want to throw your hard-earned money down the commode, do you? Of course not.

Introducing He-Shialis, the first tablet for sexually confused johns who suffer from ED. He-Shialis works fast -- within 30 minutes for most patients. Clinical trials have proven that that's exactly the right amount of time for a single vacationer to dose himself, grab a cab to Orange Avenue or OBT and hook up with the tranny of his dreams. By the time the perfect-strangers-turned-instant-soulmates are ensconced at one of the area's finer no-tell motels, Mr. Big Spender will be on top of the world, secure in the knowledge that he'll be able to fully enjoy the favors of his fair Sydney. Or Sid. Or Pantha. Or whoever.

Don't think of it as wiggling through a narrow window of good fortune, either. The tablet's effects can continue for up to 36 hours, easily outdistancing even your most depraved physical cravings. Stand your new playmate to a marathon of wanton tunnel-pummeling, or just spend some quality time cuddling, knowing that, when the mood hits, you'll be fully prepared to unleash the dragon again. Remember, you've got 36 hours. If you can't get your every peccadillo taken care of, you're just dawdling. Besides, it's not as if there's a bigger slot available on your date's dance card, anyway. Certainly not one you can afford after a week of being charged $8.50 for kettle corn. But there'll be time to obsess over your finances later. For the next day and a half, you're golden. And we ain't talkin' showers. (Unless that's what you're into, of course.)

Even better, He-Shialis is available without a doctor's prescription. We didn't want anything getting in the way of our customers' satisfaction. No, sir. So we volume-dumped this modern miracle product on the market without the slightest heads-up to the FDA. You can save the trip to your personal physician for after the big date. This one's on us.

Now comes the part where we're supposed to clue you in on potential side effects. Here's the warning our company attorney suggested: "Erections lasting longer than four hours are highly irregular, and require immediate medical attention." Bitch, please. Anybody who's successfully completed the fourth grade knows that erections lasting longer than four hours are fucking amazing. And they require something that's a lot more important than medical attention. You know what that is. We know that is. So let's all say it together: A V-I-D-E-O C-A-M-E-R-A. There. Felt good, didn't it?

Oh, and you could go blind or poop out a lung. Picky, picky, picky.

He-Shialis. Ask your pharmacist for it by name.

Not available in Utah, Nebraska and U.S.-occupied Guam. We are an official partner of the PGA Tour.

When the price is right ... will you be ready?

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Orlando Weekly. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Orlando Weekly, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club for as little as $5 a month.