Look! I don't give two poops who Time magazine elects as their "Person of the Year." They could choose a can of Hormel Chili (sans beans) for all I care. In fact, a can of Hormel Chili sounds pretty good right now! (And I'm not just saying that because Hormel Chili pays me $20 every time I mention Hormel Chili's name. Hormel Chili.) See, Time magazine is all, "Ooooh! Look at me! I'm so great and awesome, and that's why I get to decide who gets to be ‘person of the year'! And that's why I choose that nappy-looking beanpole Bono over a delicious can of Hormel Chili!"
Well, the way I see it? If Time magazine can waste editorial space fellating some balding rock star, then I can certainly do some fellating of my own! And with that, I hereby announce my nominations for "Hormel Chili Presents: Humpy's I Love Television™ TV Character of the Year Awards™!" (Presented by Hormel Chili.)
NOMINEE NO. 1: Dewberry from Hell's Kitchen. This pear-shaped lump of a chef was one of the greatest TV reality-show characters of the year — and not just because of his waddling ineptitude in the cooking contest Hell's Kitchen. It was because his ACTUAL NAME is "Dewberry"! I mean, C'MON! There hasn't been a name that appropriate since Dick Cheney!
NOMINEE NO. 2: Chloe from 24. Panic swept the fans of 24 earlier this year when the spazzy, annoyingly anal Chloe momentarily left the show. But when she came back, it was with a vengeance! America cheered when Chloe, irrationally asked to go to the villain's hideout to steal some computer files, blew that stinkin' terrorist away with a machine gun! YEAH! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
NOMINEE NO. 3: Buster, Gob or George Michael from Arrested Development. Ack! I can never decide! OK … OK … let's go with … Buster. NO. Gob is funnier. Definitely. Gotta go with … mmmm … but then George Michael is so hilariously subtle! OK, ﬁne, I'm going with … ohhh … ahhhh … CRAP. Oh, sweet Hormel Chili, can't you help me decide?
NOMINEE NO. 4: Taylor Townsend from The O.C. Ooh, I loves me a scheming shrew. And I especially love one whose sole purpose in life is screwing up the lives of those spoiled brats from The O.C. After Summer caught Taylor tonguing the Dean of Discipline™, Taylor didn't get mad — she got EVEN, coming dangerously close to stealing boyfriend Seth by out-nerding the competition. Mmmm … sexy nerd.
NOMINEE NO. 5: Marguerite Perrin from Trading Spouses. After switching housewife duties with a pagan astrologer, the über-Christian Marguerite Perrin had an on-camera Jesus freakout to end all Jesus freakouts (while occasionally dry-heaving). "Everything's un-GODLY! (gag) She's not a CHRISTIAN!!! (gag) I'm a GOD WARRIOR!!! (gag)" are just a few things she squealed at the camera crew, occasionally dropping a litany of curses including, "Gargoyles!" "Psychics!" and "You're all DARKSIDED!!" Please, if you haven't seen it, go to ifilm.com and search "god warrior." JESUS COMMANDS YOU!! (Gag.)
Oh, who am I fooling? Marguerite Perrin — you are I Love Television's™ TV Character of the Year™! Congratulations, and you can share a steaming bowl of Hormel Chili with me anytime. (Sans gag!)
Hormel Chili, Hormel Chili, Hormel Chili … email@example.com
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, DEC. 29
8 p.m. WB SMALLVILLE
One of the best episodes from this season, in which Clark hops a ride on a nuclear missile. AWESOME!
8:30 p.m. OXY MOMMIE DEAREST
(Movie, 1981) Get out your wire hangers! Faye Dunaway plays psycho mom Joan Crawford!
FRIDAY, DEC. 30
8:30 p.m. COM LAST LAUGH '05
Comedians riff on the biggest dorks and blunders of 2005. Look out, George Bush!
SATURDAY, DEC. 31
8 p.m. CMT DUKES OF HAZZARD REUNION
Bo and Luke race to stop a developer from ruining their home with a theme park. I dunno, a Hazzard theme park sounds pretty fun to me.
10 p.m. ABC DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE
Not to bring down the party, but I'm pretty sure Dick Clark's dead.
SUNDAY, JAN. 1
8 p.m. ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Catch up on all the Housewives you've missed with this clip show. (What if I've been avoiding it on purpose?)
10 p.m. ABC IN JUSTICE
Debut! Kyle MacLachlan stars as a maverick attorney who rights judicial wrongs (like taking Twin Peaks off the air).
MONDAY, JAN. 2
8 p.m. FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
George Sr. holds a fund-raiser to raise awareness about the plight of George Sr.
9 p.m. ESPN2 2005 national spelling bee
Can you spell "nerd-tastic"?
TUESDAY, JAN. 3
8 p.m. NBC FEAR FACTOR
It's "Psycho Fear Factor" when the contestants face off in the horrifying Bates Motel!
10 p.m. A&E ROLLERGIRLS
The hot new reality series featuring all-girl roller derby teams!
WEDNESDAY, JAN. 4
9 p.m. ABC HOLIDAY FESTIVAL ON ICE
Kurt Browning, Brian Orser and more skate around in circles wearing effeminate costumes … and why not? It's a FESTIVAL!
9 p.m. WB BEAUTY AND THE GEEK
Last season's charmer about college nerds trying to hook up with hot sorority gals. Let the humiliation ensue!