Even the most carefully researched, meticulously edited paper can make a mistake from time to time. So you can imagine the pickle Orlando Weekly is in. What follows is a blanket apology for some of the more egregious errors that wormed their way into our recent issues.
A news story in our Nov. 6 issue included this incorrect statement: "Seminole County developer Waylon L. Douglas is a vicious, larcenous scumbag who would whore out his own grandmother to turn a quick buck." Mr. Douglas' middle initial is "R," not "L." We regret the error.
In the What's Happening section of our Oct. 30 issue, the listing of a House of Blues concert by the Leon Wilkeson Band incorrectly implied that Mr. Wilkeson is still alive. We regret any offense we may have caused his family or former associates.
The photo captions that accompanied our Sept. 4 cover story on the feral cat epidemic neglected to identify any of the felines by name. Reading clockwise from top left, they are Winky, Blinky, Clyde, Mr. Bojangles and Satan.
Our Oct. 23 review of the Chitanga Hut Bolivian Restaurant asserted that the proprietors had taken the unorthodox step of replacing the traditional busboys with "delightful trained primates of some undetermined genus, possibly howler monkeys but definitely a stitch with their wacky, water-spilling antics." A call from the owner confirmed that Chitanga Hut is an inherited operation staffed wholly by family members. We wholeheartedly apologize.
A misprinted horoscope in the Oct. 16 installment of Free Will Astrology may have caused problems for some Sagittarians, who were advised: "Aim big. Live your dreams. Take a shot at the president while you still can." The correct imperative was to "take a shot at the presidency while you still can." We regret any resulting black mark on the American tradition of civil democracy.
Similarly, a correspondent who had a letter printed in that week's Savage Love column was advised to "conduct yourself responsibly every time you're considering having sex." The correct directive was to "smear your crack with Bosco and hope for the best." We apologize to the Bosco corporation for the slight.
As our Oct. 9 issue went to press, problems with our classified-ad system ensured that the phone number listed for a used lawn mower was off by one digit. We apologize to anyone who tried in vain to get through, and to the HOT BIRACIAL COEDS who ended up fielding their calls.
An article that saw print in our Oct. 2 issue, "Marshall's New Combo Rod Gets the Drop on Crappie," was meant for publication in the winter edition of Sport Fisherman. We are reviewing our copy-flow procedures to determine how the mix-up occurred.
Due to tight deadlines, a good deal of the movie-times information printed in the Oct. 2 issue was either incomplete or inaccurate. Start times for all screenings of "Good Boy!" were off by five minutes, "Caligula" was erroneously lumped in with a "Family Film Series" schedule, and the Carmike University 8 had in fact ceased showing Sunset Boulevard in 1952.
In the Sept. 25 issue, our attempt to reinforce a science-and-technology story by reprinting the periodic table of the elements backfired when the artist unthinkingly omitted calcium. Furthermore, the graphic used should not have been the periodic table in the first place, as the story concerned the effect of global warming on Kissimmee's insect population. The correct image, a floor plan of the Bob Carr Performing Arts Centre, will be printed in a forthcoming issue.
Also in that issue, an experiment with printing our company masthead on the same page as the news features led to the inadvertent transposition of two unrelated names. Billy Joe Anderson is the president of the Lake County Whiteman's Party; the name of Orlando Weekly's information-technology specialist is Ian Monroe. We apologize for any embarrassment we may have caused on either side.
Due to a breakdown in communication, the Scene photo on our Oct. 23 contents page was both legible and suffused with pithy humor. We apologize for this jarring, never-to-be-repeated break from custom.
An editing goof allowed an improper sentence to appear in one of our Oct. 30 CD reviews. The sentence as it appeared: "The classic track 'Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby' ain't just a back-alley wail that knows how to make is-ness its biz-ness. What it is is a righteous cry of intent that knows just what it is and what it ain't, Jack." While there's nothing grammatically wrong with the writer's statement, we honestly hate reading shit like this, and we're pretty sure you do, too.
Due to oversight, an Aug. 21 article about the persecution of water-pipe vendors by the Metropolitan Bureau of Investigation was positioned directly opposite a quarter-page ad for an area smoke shop. We apologize for the appearance of impropriety, both to our readers and our evil, poison-purveying masters.
Upon review, our editors have determined that last week's Dog Playing Poker column was an incestuous, navel-gazing exercise more fixated on the inner workings of this newspaper than on the community it purports to serve. It won't happen again, promises Orlando Weekly delivery driver Sonya Berrios.