After a full month of lighting trees and stuffing its face, the dour dais of do-gooders reconvened this week to address the very pressing issues concerning the operations of the city we like to call beautiful. Nah, who are we kidding? The real reason everybody got back together was to giggle and snort and talk about football rivalries; also, to weakly sing "Happy Birthday" to Commissioner Robert Stuart. Of particular note was the mayor's fashionable choice of a red Tulsa jersey beneath his sports coat, because apparently he lost a bet when UCF's football team lost something or other. In other words, he has boring friends who make boring bets.
"I believe they sent me the kicker's jersey," the mayor laughed. That's because the jersey was super-tight, see? Let the games begin.
ITEM: The city approves a resolution supplementing Ordinance No. 2012-53 of the city, providing for the issuance of not to exceed $48 million in wastewater system refunding and improvement revenue bonds, Series 2013.
TRANSLATION: Not unlike most junkyard families enduring humble holiday fare, the city of Orlando is presently trying to work out exactly how to get its grimy wallet around its extensive septic wish list. Naturally, because this is Orlando, where anything is possible if you say the words "bond issuance" three times, the city needn't be too concerned about its $36.4 million in itemized desires. (All of your favorites are in there: odor-control improvements, anaerobic digester improvements, a new sanitary system for Florida Hospital – with no individual item costing less than six figures.) All we need to do is shuffle some things around! Specifically, the city will issue up to $48 million in bonds, applying the profits to pay off that old Lane Bryant credit card (also known as "Series 2002A Bonds"), thereby cutting back on debt service on that old debt in favor of what it expects to be $3.5 million in annual debt service on the new loan. Hell, the new bonds won't mature until October 2037, so why worry about it now? If we don't fix the plumbing, nobody's going to like us anymore, and we're going to become that family with toilet paper in its tree. Besides, we're going to feel rich!
ITEM: The city approves an operating and maintenance agreement with Sentinel Capital North Orange LLC.
TRANSLATION: Speaking of loans that don't necessarily work out (but so what), back in March 2010, Old Southern Bank at 250 North Orange Ave. had the dubious honor of being the first community bank in Orlando to fall to federal regulators in 20 years. Bad loans, recession, desperate attempts at reinvestment – you know the drill. Some of that fiscal slack was picked up by Centennial Bank out of Arkansas, which seemed promising for about, oh, six months. After acquiring Old Southern's downtown office and bragging about it, Centennial closed the branch in Sept. 2010, leaving the rickety old building to lapse into foreclosure on a $15.3 million mortgage by September 2012 (acquiring numerous code violations in the process). Sentinel Capital Partners, a local consulting firm, foreclosed on the property, and now the buzz is that it's totally going to sell because everybody loves commercial real estate downtown right now. In the interest of facilitating that pipe dream, the city is restating its parking garage agreement (unchanged since 1988) with Sentinel so that whoever moves in can still park in the Washington Garage, you know, for a price.
ITEM: The city approves a qualified target-industry tax refund resolution and a quick action closing fund agreement with The Golf Channel LLC and GolfNow LLC.
TRANSLATION: Because Orlando loves its wacky golf pants, The Golf Channel is about to get a significant leg up from both state and local tax breaks via the qualified target-industry and quick-action closing fund tax rebate programs. It's not just the fact that the Golf Channel is awesome (is it?), but because the company is looking to add 75 new jobs averaging $75,000 a year in the interest of expanding its online presence. The deal also comes with a promise from the channel to invest $1.9 million in capital improvements, so the city is totally comfortable offering $123,000 in state-matching incentives to keep the ball rolling here. Fore. Ever.
ITEM: The city approves the issuance of a purchase order to H&E Equipment Services of Winter Garden for the repair of one Reachmaster FS95 specialized lift.
TRANSLATION: Sometimes life just calls for a Reachmaster. To that end, the city is clearly concerned that its Reachmaster FS95 – which is basically a cherry-picker and a crane at the same time, one that allows some lucky soul to dangle up to 95 feet in the air presumably to scrub windows and grab errant Mylar balloons – is not such a master of reaching at present from its current home at the Amway Center. Turns out that there's only one company capable of handling the "extensive structural repairs" required for our broken Reachmaster, and that company – H&E Equipment Services of Winter Garden – has come up with a quote of $72,032.65 to make things go "up" like they're supposed to again. Someday we'll never speak of this matter again.