This week, the great, unwashed masses get their turn at the soapbox. We sent the following questionnaire to an assortment of our regular readers, allowing them to state their opinions and preferences on a variety of matters of the day. Our crack team of Taiwanese math whizzes then tallied the results, breaking them down by percentage of votes cast and designating the winners for all the world to see. What can we say? The results may surprise you. Especially if you're the sort of person who tends to get surprised by results.
| WHO SHOULD DARRELL ARMSTRONG HIT NEXT? | | 1. Orange County Sheriff Kevin Beary | 58% | | 2. A randomly selected middle-school crossing guard | 0% | | 3. Kobe Bryant | 42% | | 4. My spouse/significant other | 0% | |
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| WHICH SET OF TWINS NEEDS TO BE SEPARATED, SURGICALLY OR OTHERWISE? | | 1. Joel and Benji Madden (Good Charlotte) | 18.2% | | 2. Paris and Nicky Hilton | 36.4% | | 3. Zan and Jayna, the Wondertwins | 9% | | 4. Condoleezza Rice and Foxy Brown | 36.4% | |
| WHAT SHOULD FLORIDA TAX TO BALANCE ITS BUDGET? | | 1. Roofie consumption | 0% | | 2. Cussin' and a-fussin' | 25% | | 3. Political asylum | 50% | | 4. Shade | 25% | |
| WHO SHOULD HAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF POLICING LIBERIA? | | 1. The Libertarians | 9% | | 2. The librarians | 27% | | 3. Joe Lieberman | 18% | | 4. Jews for Jesus | 46% | |
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| HOW LONG WILL THE ECONOMY REMAIN IN THE TOILET? | | 1. Six months | 0% | | 2. A year | 9% | | 3. Until Alan Greenspan's next bikini wax | 55% | | 4. Couldn't answer; computer repossessed | 36% | |
| WHICH TYPE OF FAT ARE YOU MOST INTERESTED IN REMOVING FROM YOUR DIET? | | 1. Saturated fat | 8.3% | | 2. Polyunsaturated fat | 0% | | 3. Trans-fat | 8.3% | | 4. Lou Pearlman | 83.4% | |
| WHICH DINNER ATTRACTION WOULD YOU BE MOST INTERESTED IN ATTENDING? | | 1. Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede | 0% | | 2. Mariah Carey's Dessert-Bar Meltdown | 41.7% | | 3. Billy Bob Thornton's Taters 'n' Tattoo Removal | 41.7% | | 4. Carnie Wilson's Bypass Bar-B-Q | 16.6% | |
| WHICH MEDICAL-MALPRACTICE CLAIM SHOULD BE DISALLOWED IN FLORIDA COURTROOMS? | | 1. Unauthorized wattle reduction | 33.3% | | 2. Plumb bob in pancreas | 0% | | 3. Ear lobes knocked out of alignment | 8.3% | | 4. Katie Couric lodged in colon | 58.4% | |
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| WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO SCORE YELLOWCAKE? | | 1. Asian groceries | 8% | | 2. United Jaundice Sufferers bake sale | 8% | | 3. Third-world Wal-Marts | 42% | | 4. This dude I know | 42% | |
| WHERE/WHEN DOES BEING HANDICAPPED SUCK THE HARDEST? | | 1. In the sign-up line at the Tour de France | 25% | | 2. On death row, in Texas | 0% | | 3. On death row, in Texas, when Hurricane Claudette hits | 33% | | 4. Along any LYNX route | 42%/td> | |
| WHAT FASHION CHOICE SCREAMS, "GAY MAKEOVER"? | | width=3751. Brocade cardigan | 12.5% | | 2. Rhinestone-studded chinos | 18.75% | | 3. Sleeveless tuxedo | 43.75% | | 4. Leather clerical collar | 25% | |
| WHAT'S ANN COULTER'S PROBLEM, ANYWAY? | | 1. Not getting any | 17% | | 2. Gets it too easy | 0% | 3. Space aliens hollowed out skull, replaced
brain with unit of their own design | 25% | | 4. Katie Couric lodged in colon | 58% | |
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