This week, the great, unwashed masses get their turn at the soapbox. We sent the following questionnaire to an assortment of our regular readers, allowing them to state their opinions and preferences on a variety of matters of the day. Our crack team of Taiwanese math whizzes then tallied the results, breaking them down by percentage of votes cast and designating the winners for all the world to see. What can we say? The results may surprise you. Especially if you're the sort of person who tends to get surprised by results.

WHO SHOULD DARRELL ARMSTRONG HIT NEXT? 1. Orange County Sheriff Kevin Beary 58% 2. A randomly selected middle-school crossing guard 0% 3. Kobe Bryant 42% 4. My spouse/significant other 0%

WHICH SET OF TWINS NEEDS TO BE SEPARATED, SURGICALLY OR OTHERWISE? 1. Joel and Benji Madden (Good Charlotte) 18.2% 2. Paris and Nicky Hilton 36.4% 3. Zan and Jayna, the Wondertwins 9% 4. Condoleezza Rice and Foxy Brown 36.4%

WHAT SHOULD FLORIDA TAX TO BALANCE ITS BUDGET? 1. Roofie consumption 0% 2. Cussin' and a-fussin' 25% 3. Political asylum 50% 4. Shade 25%

WHO SHOULD HAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF POLICING LIBERIA? 1. The Libertarians 9% 2. The librarians 27% 3. Joe Lieberman 18% 4. Jews for Jesus 46%

HOW LONG WILL THE ECONOMY REMAIN IN THE TOILET? 1. Six months 0% 2. A year 9% 3. Until Alan Greenspan's next bikini wax 55% 4. Couldn't answer; computer repossessed 36%

WHICH TYPE OF FAT ARE YOU MOST INTERESTED IN REMOVING FROM YOUR DIET? 1. Saturated fat 8.3% 2. Polyunsaturated fat 0% 3. Trans-fat 8.3% 4. Lou Pearlman 83.4%

WHICH DINNER ATTRACTION WOULD YOU BE MOST INTERESTED IN ATTENDING? 1. Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede 0% 2. Mariah Carey's Dessert-Bar Meltdown 41.7% 3. Billy Bob Thornton's Taters 'n' Tattoo Removal 41.7% 4. Carnie Wilson's Bypass Bar-B-Q 16.6%

WHICH MEDICAL-MALPRACTICE CLAIM SHOULD BE DISALLOWED IN FLORIDA COURTROOMS? 1. Unauthorized wattle reduction 33.3% 2. Plumb bob in pancreas 0% 3. Ear lobes knocked out of alignment 8.3% 4. Katie Couric lodged in colon 58.4%

WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO SCORE YELLOWCAKE? 1. Asian groceries 8% 2. United Jaundice Sufferers bake sale 8% 3. Third-world Wal-Marts 42% 4. This dude I know 42%

WHERE/WHEN DOES BEING HANDICAPPED SUCK THE HARDEST? 1. In the sign-up line at the Tour de France 25% 2. On death row, in Texas 0% 3. On death row, in Texas, when Hurricane Claudette hits 33% 4. Along any LYNX route 42%/td>

WHAT FASHION CHOICE SCREAMS, "GAY MAKEOVER"? width=3751. Brocade cardigan 12.5% 2. Rhinestone-studded chinos 18.75% 3. Sleeveless tuxedo 43.75% 4. Leather clerical collar 25%

WHAT'S ANN COULTER'S PROBLEM, ANYWAY? 1. Not getting any 17% 2. Gets it too easy 0% 3. Space aliens hollowed out skull, replaced brain with unit of their own design 25% 4. Katie Couric lodged in colon 58%