Valentine’s Day is approaching, and yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all before: “Why should I go and spend money on my partner just because of one stupid day? They should know I love them every day!”
Killer logic there, ace, but that attitude’s not going to net you any come V-Day, because showing off for your loved one is what it’s all about. Wild animals use colorful plumes and head-butting in their mating dances; we use special occasions and extravagant dates because humans are soft, ugly and tire easily. You have your work cut out for you, but with our help, you should be able to find your path toward the desired knocking-of-boots.
The Dessert Lady Date
It’s not entirely prudent to get all stereotypical and woo our dates with wine and chocolate, but you know what? It works. Just close your eyes and point blindly at any of the towering cakes and gooey tortes available at the Dessert Lady bistro – they’re all good, so you can’t go wrong (uh, barring life-threatening allergies to chocolate or nuts, of course). Dessert Lady even has gluten-free options, so you can still indulge your Celiac-disease ridden date’s dietetic quirk with rich, decadent cakes. With an intimidating assortment of wines and cocktails to choose from, you can loosen your inhibitions while also loosening your belt. (Dessert Lady, 120A W. Church St.; prices vary; 407-999-5696; dessertlady.com)
Chance-You’ll-Get-Laid-O-Meter: 50 percent. This date might seem like a slam dunk, but losing control and distending your belly with sugar and alcohol doesn’t always make you more sexy.
Blissful Lotus’ Kama Sutra Sex class at Fairvilla Megastore
If your date accuses you of being a little too on-the-nose by taking her to a sex-ed class, just smirk and make a wisecrack about how Valentine’s, in and of itself, is pretty obviously an excuse to get laid. Blissful Lotus Romance Boutique, purveyor of intimate education and faux-fur massaging mittens, curiously scheduled this hands-on (and gym clothes on) demonstration of Kama Sutra, Ananga Ranga and, er, Ride ’Em Cowgirl techniques the day after Valentine’s, but don’t let that stop you – mostly because it’s a free class. (Fairvilla Megastore, 1740 N. Orange Blossom Trail; free; 407-425-6005; fairvilla.com)
Chance-You’ll-Get-Laid-O-Meter:Pretty good, if you can convince your date to go. There’s no reason the grinding and dry humping shouldn’t turn you two on, provided you don’t tear an ACL or something.
Nude Nite Art Expose
Usually, it’s one half of a couple that drags the other to art shows. The uncultured half agrees to tag along reluctantly – hey, maybe there’s a chance you’ll see a boob or a schlong, right? Everything at Nude Night, from the sculpture to the dance to the music, is based on exhibiting the unclothed human form, so both halves of the couple win with this one. Be forewarned: You asked for nudity, and you’re going to get it, in all its beautiful and horrifying forms (which is where the copious amounts of free-flowing wine served at this event come in handy). It’s not exactly fertile ground for budding romance, but Nude Nite is a solid date for seasoned couples. (Nude Nite, Feb. 9-11, 6 p.m.-12 a.m., Church Street Exchange, 101 S. Garland Ave.; $20-25; nudenite.com)
Chance-You’ll-Get-Laid-O-Meter: 75 percent. If you start to feel overstimulated by obtuse depictions of genitalia, start an art argument with your date, then go home and have make-up sex.
The Enzian’s Romantic Double Bill
You’ve got to hand it to the Enzian’s programming unit for kicking Cupid right in his quiver sack this year. Valentine’s Day falls on Cult Classic night, so they’re playing Woody Allen’s uneven but entertaining 1972 goof, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex ($5). Spoiler: The title is false advertising. But wait, there’s more! You and your sweetie can bask in V-Day afterglow the following day as you lay out on a blanket on the Enzian lawn, enjoy discounted pitchers of beer and furrow your brows at the impalement-happy (and no, not that kind of happy impalement) 1981 Canadian slasher My Bloody Valentine for free. Ah, luv. (Enzian Theater, 1300 S. Orlando Ave., Maitland; 407-629-0054; enzian.org)
Chance-You’ll-Get-Laid-O-Meter: Not a chance. Unless you were planning on boffing anyway, the Enzian is doing your libido no favors with this double-bill.