If you're a fan of Arrested Development, you've probably got blood squirting out of your nose over the recent decision to bench TV's best comedy. I mean, C'MON!! What are these idiots at Fox thinking?! It's like giving someone the most delicious sandwich in the world, and then saying, "You know, instead of giving you this sandwich, I think I'm going to spit on it and hide it forever inside my pants."
Fortunately, there's somewhat of a silver lining (albeit a silver lining that's been spit on and stuck inside a flatulent Fox executive's pants). Arrested Development hasn't been officially "canceled" it's been "cut back" from 22 to 13 episodes. The remaining episodes start up again on Monday, Dec. 5. "Hold on there, Humpy!" I hear you cry. "Isn't being 'cut back' just asshole lingo for being canceled?" Mmmm … probably. But remember, AD was also cut from 22 episodes to 18 last season yet was brought back in the fall. However, Development also had an average of 6 million viewers last year, as opposed to this season's paltry 4 million.
"BUT THOSE OTHER 294,734,134 PEOPLE IN AMERICA ARE ASSHOLES," I hear you cry. "THEY VOTED FOR BUSH, THEY'RE FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS, AND I HATE THEM, HATE THEM, HATE THEM!!" OK, first of all, stop yelling at me. I probably love Arrested Development more than you (if possible), but facts are facts and here's the one truth you should always remember: Fox executives don't give two shits about your feelings, Bush's feelings or Jesus' feelings. They want cash in their pockets and entertaining you comes in a distant third. (Fun fact: Snorting blow off the bellies of prostitutes is No. 2.)
Unfortunately, it's Fox's own internal incompetence that's shooting them in the foot. There's some hee-larious behind-the-scenes footage of AD's David Cross (Tobias) ranting about the Fox marketing department at media.putfile.com/David-Cross-Rant. But for those of you who hate the Internet, here's what he said:
"I got an idea why don't you fucking fire your complete marketing team, and get a new one that knows how to market a show that won five motherfucking Emmys, Golden Globes, SAG awards, WTA awards, Producer's Guild awards, critics top 10 list. You know, if you can't market that kind of show and get better ratings then maybe the problem doesn't lie here `with the show`. Maybe it lies with marketing. Good night."
What's even better about this speech is that Cross screamed the whole thing while wearing a bra. (You gotta see it to believe it.)
Anyhoo, while rumors swirl that Showtime may eventually pick up the series, only seven people in America get Showtime so how does that fawking help me? Your best shot is to get every last person you know to start watching Arrested Development when it returns on Dec. 5, AS WELL AS writing the man himself, Fox Entertainment President Peter Liguori (10201 W. Pico Blvd., Building 100, Room 4450, Los Angeles, CA 90035). Remind him that providing intelligent quality entertainment should always be job No. 1. (But you can agree with him that snorting coke off the bellies of prostitutes comes in a close second.)
Where entertaining you is always job No. 1
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, NOV. 24
9 a.m. NBC MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
Question: Couldn't they just once have a 100-foot tall inflatable nude Burt Reynolds?
8 p.m. ABC A CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING
Linus recounts how the pilgrims gave the Native Americans VD, while Snoopy dances around a lot.
FRIDAY, NOV. 25
8 p.m. FOX STAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE CLONES
(Movie, 2003) Obi-Wan Kenobi discovers an empire clone factory and not a single hot clone chick!
8 p.m. DSC I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE
Three episodes of adventurers nearly getting their asses chewed off by lions, sharks and angry wiener dogs.
SATURDAY, NOV. 26
9 p.m. SCIFI MANTICORE
(Movie, 2005) A pissed-off Iraqi fights back against U.S. imperialism the old-fashioned way raising an ancient monster from the dead!
SUNDAY, NOV. 27
9 p.m. HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Larry plays detective and links the disappearance of Jeff's dog to his Korean bookie.
10 p.m. COM DENIS LEARY'S MERRY F*#$%IN' CHRISTMAS
The salty comic and his even saltier friends sing songs and make fun of Li'l Baby Jesus.
MONDAY, NOV. 28
9 p.m. FOX PRISON BREAK
With Lincoln's execution quickly approaching, the team puts aside their quilting project to make a break for it.
TUESDAY, NOV. 29
8 p.m. E! 50 CUTEST CHILD STARS
Interviews with the grown-up versions of Hollywood's cutest child actors/alcoholics/sex addicts.
10 p.m. ABC BARBARA WALTERS' 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2005
Featuring Tom Cruise, Teri Hatcher, Condi Rice and Lance Armstrong's remaining testicle.
WEDNESDAY, NOV. 30
8 p.m. CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
One of the best "creepy wooden puppet specials" EVER, featuring Santa acting like an asshole and a clearly gay elf.
9 p.m. ABC LOST
Finally! Kate's original crime is revealed. (Five bucks says it's something stupid like ripping a "Do Not Remove" tag off a mattress.)