Arts & Culture » I Love Television

DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE

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Looky here, jerkholes! (Not you – I mean those jerkholes over at the networks.) My TiVo can only take so much! See, I appreciate a certain amount of competitiveness between the networks – but scheduling all my fave shows on one night during the same time slot is a VERY STUPID AND DANGEROUS THING TO DO.

Oh! And don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about! Does "8 p.m." on "Thursdays" ring a bell? I thought so! You've scheduled no less than FIVE terrific shows across from each other, and since you know very well that my TiVo can only handle recording two shows at a time, you're forcing me to make a very difficult choice – one that you're not going to like very much!

In fact, I haven't made a choice this difficult since the time I was forced to pick between attending my first wife's family reunion and banging a coed threesome in the back of a limousine. (Which did I choose? Well … there's a reason I call her "my Ã?rst wife.")

See? I HATE MAKING CHOICES! And when I'm forced to do so, you can bet your bouncy ass I'm going to punish the ones who put me in this predicament! Let's have a looky-loo at the choices I've been given every Thursday at 8 p.m.

• CHOICE NO. 1: Alias (ABC). Thanks a pantload, ABC! More than anyone else, I have stuck by Alias – even when it went from being one of the most inventive shows on TV to its current state of floundering plot lines and Jennifer Garner walking around pregnant and fully clothed. This is how you repay my dedication? VERDICT: Season pass – DELETED.

• CHOICE NO. 2: Everybody Hates Chris (UPN). What does UPN think it's doing? Does it really assume it can put its funniest new show up against a powerhouse lineup and emerge victorious? YOU'RE UPN! You're like the Special Olympics of networks! VERDICT: Lucky for you Everybody Hates Chris is such a winner. Season pass – SAVED … for now.

• CHOICE NO. 3: Survivor: Guatemala (CBS). For years, Survivor has owned this time slot – which means it's time to ship Grampy off to the nursing home. Despite the supposed "wild surprises" that will "change the game forever," it's still a bunch of dirty people figuring out puzzles and balancing on stumps. VERDICT: Season pass – DELETED.

• CHOICE NO. 4: Smallville (WB). This is a tough one. Though the show has been steadily losing steam over the years, Clark and the gang are now out of high school, and Lex is mere inches away from becoming Adolf Hitler. VERDICT: Since Thursday's showing of Smallville is replayed on Sunday afternoons: Season pass – SAVED.

• CHOICE NO. 5: The O.C. (Fox). Who am I fooling? There is NO WAY I'm deleting this season pass! I still have a massive boner for the high-school shenanigans of Ryan, Seth, Marissa and Summer – and with the addition of creepy "Seven of Nine" (Jeri Ryan)? Those other competing shows can eat my ass. VERDICT: Season pass – SAVED. (Especially if we get more scenes of Summer whipping off her top!)

• Oh, yeah … there is a CHOICE NO. 6: Joey (NBC). VERDICT: How about the gas chamber?

Choosy TV viewers choose Humpy.
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, OCT. 6
8 p.m. WB SMALLVILLE
After Clark loses his super abilities, he must save the kidnapped Lana with the only power he has left: taking off his shirt.

8 p.m. CBS SURVIVOR: GUATEMALA
The two tribes do the old switcheroo, which naturally makes them cry like big, tubby babies.

FRIDAY, OCT. 7
9:30 p.m. ABC HOT PROPERTIES
Debut! Real estate gals Gail O'Grady and Nicole Sullivan team up with sexual innuendo to produce another AWFUL Friday night sitcom.

10 p.m. BRAVO GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING FAT
A mini-documentary series that looks on the bright side of being an obese pig.

SATURDAY, OCT. 8
8:30 p.m. NBC MY NAME IS EARL MARATHON
The first three episodes of this very funny new sitcom. So catch up, already!

SUNDAY, OCT. 9
9 p.m. CBS THE HUNT FOR THE B.T.K. KILLER
(Movie, 2005) A detective races furiously to capture the killer known as BTK – but also takes time to look for the perfect BLT.

9 p.m. VH1 SURREAL LIFE
Season Finale! Will someone finally have the nerve to slap the ugly off Janice Dickinson's face?

MONDAY, OCT. 10
8 p.m. NBC SURFACE
Jackson is the first human to discover a completely unknown species of fish – which he promptly sells to Red Lobster.

TUESDAY, OCT. 11
9 p.m. CBS THE AMAZING RACE: FAMILY EDITION
One of the families is slowed down by the shenanigans of a horny teen. And the parents are surprised?

9:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE
Michael's "safety plan" falls into disarray when the company kitchen catches on fire.

WEDNESDAY, OCT. 12
9 p.m. UPN VERONICA MARS
When Cassidy's stepmom begins acting suspiciously, Veronica is invited to snoop the situation.

9 p.m. ABC LOST
OK … there's no nice way of saying this: Hurley is too fat to fit inside that hatch!

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