Hi, "Crazy Jim" Hightower here, saying: Have I got a deal for you! Come on down to "Crazy Jim's" for the deal of a lifetime. It's all part of our "1999 Pre-Election Presidential Candidate Sale-a-Thon!"
Shop till you drop here at our Presidential Showroom on the magic mile -- we've got your Democrats and Republicans, new and used, ranging the gamut from social conservative to corporate conservative, or both! The general public won't be able to buy any of these beauties until the year 2000, but "Crazy Jim" gives YOU the chance to buy right now. Here's our souped-up Democratic "GORE2000" model, for example. Or maybe you'd like something on the slower side, like the "Bush-amatic SUV." Both the GORE2000 and the Bush-amatic have been fully tested and approved by a certified panel of Wall Street analysts.
Let me give you a rundown of some of these presidential models, so you know who stands behind them. The aforementioned GORE2000 has been fully checked out by such Wall Street mechanics as Steve Rattner of the investment banking firm Lazard Freres and Jon Corzine of Goldman Sachs. As a result, I can guarantee you that Gore is one Democrat who won't veer from the middle of the corporate road. And if you think that his Democratic challenger Bill Bradley will push him left, not to worry, because he's backed by such solid corporate agents as the CEOs of Chase Manhattan Bank, Sara Lee, Barnes & Noble and Starbucks.
Likewise, the Bush-amatic has the seal of approval from such major corporate lobbyists as Haley Barbour and Wayne Berman. It's always good to know that these Washington fixers stand 100 percent behind their product, isn't it?; ;
If you want your vote to count, don't wait on the fools who'll cast their ballots in 2000. You can vote today by writing a big check. It's a great deal, because candidates who don't get your money now won't have a chance in 2000. Think about it.
Jim Hightower is an author, radio commentator, public speaker and political sparkplug from Austin, Texas. For more populist commentary, visit his website.