When it comes to holiday gifts, little brats today don't know how good they have it. In the '70s and '80s, you were lucky if you got a Cabbage Patch Doll and a jar of Play-Doh to keep you occupied. Twenty years ago, the toy industry was a sleeping giant. Today, the giant is awake, and apparently, juiced up on steroids. That's why this Christmas, I want to be a kid again. Screw a new toaster. Gimme toys!
Does your robot fart, belch, dance or rap at the touch of a button? The Robosapien does. Can your robot throw things, pick them up, do kung fu or speak "caveman"? The Robosapien can.
Designed by Mark Tilden, a robotics physicist who has worked for NASA, DARPA and JPL through Los Alamos National Laboratory, the Robosapien is the first robot based on the science of applied biomorphic robotics. I have no idea what that means, but I do know Orlando Weekly's editorial staff is in desperate need of an intern. What's that you say? Bottomless cups of coffee delivered to our desks without any lip? Office farts that don't really smell? Robosapien, you're hired.
SOCK'EM BOPPERS SET
Let me get this straight. Kids these days are not only allowed to beat the shit out of each other, but they now make a toy to help them do it? Why couldn't they have invented this in '84? I've been wanting to beat up my sister since the second grade.
These air-inflated, oversized boxing gloves would be the perfect accessory to place underneath my work desk, so when our other staff writer, Jeff Billman, starts loudly cussing at his computer, I can politely, yet firmly, shut him the hell up. If you're an only child and lack a sibling to "sock," the set also comes with an air-inflated, Super Sound Sock'em Bop Buddy. Hours of fun, no messy cleanup.
WHAT'S IN NED'S HEAD?
This is the year's best gross-out learning game by far. Wait a minute, it's this year's only gross-out learning game. To play, kids reach into Ned's ears and nostrils and search for whatever object is pictured on their playing card. The kid to pull out a card's matching object wins! Could it be a rat? A vomit pile? Some moldy cheese? A loose screw? Nobody knows. Now here's a learning game that's going to capture a kid's attention.
THE FLYBAR 1200
This one's for all the rich, Winter Park scumbags I went to elementary school with. I'll never forget the day I came to school and Joey Marshman was bouncing around on his new pogo stick. I was in love with Joey, but he was a cool kid and I was definitely a nerd. I mustered up the courage to ask Joey if I could give the pogo stick a whirl. His answer? "Get away from me, you smell." Damn you, Joey Marshman!
My new Flybar 1200 will put your stupid pogo stick to shame. Designed by pro skateboarder Andy Macdonald, the Flybar 1200 can bounce as high as 6 feet in the air. That means I can jump clear over your head, you bastard. (Sob.)
BALLSY BEAR, BITCHY BEAR AND BADASS BEAR
Teddy bears that say "I love you" when squeezed are so red-state. But thanks to Chum Toy Company, liberals finally have a totally realistic talking teddy bear to add to our collection. Squeeze their tummies and get pelted with charming phrases like, "Your mouth's writing checks your ass can't cash," "I'm not real good with names, mind if I call you shithead?" and "Fuck off and die." Now I can give my Republican friends a gift that says what I really mean.
THE URBZ: SIMS IN THE CITY
If you're like me, you figured out a long time ago that Orlando is the Diet Coke of urban life. We don't have a local mafia or massive highways with more than four lanes. And unless you're a boy band, you'll never taste fame or make headlines in this fair city. But who says we can't pretend to be cool?
That's why this year, I'm asking for The Urbz: Sims in the City (EA Games). In this video game, the Sims have moved to a city where reputation can actually get you somewhere exciting. Go to work and be challenged by bosses at locations like the Sushi Bar, Chop Shop or Bootleg Fireworks, Inc. The higher you climb on that corporate ladder, the more crap you earn for your high-rise crib. Just like real life.