Did you know I was thisclose to bypassing the high-paying world of television column-writing and becoming a world-renowned fashion designer? WELL, IT'S TRUE. Let me tell you, I have all the attributes necessary to knock Paris, Milan and New York right on their big fat asses, including: flamboyance. The key to flamboyance is screaming whenever you walk into a crowded room. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Oh, CALVIN. How ARE you?? Well, YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT. EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" The second attribute one needs to be a fancy-pantsy fashion designer is the ability to ingest grotesque amounts of cocaine. (We can put a check in that box.)
HOWEVER! The most important attribute of all is impeccable taste in clothing unless you're wearing it. Ever notice the way fashion designers dress? It's as if someone roofied them, and they woke up in clothes chosen by a color-blind 4-year-old crackhead.
I am lucky enough to possess all these attributes and yet the world of haute couture was ultimately not for me. (You may remember my Lederhumpin'™ line of ass-less lederhosen that was all the rage during Paris Fashion Week '97. And yet when I debuted my crotchless lederhosen in '98? Those bitches turned against me! The world of fashion is sooo fickle.) However, I still occasionally design outfits for desperate movie stars. Remember that swan costume Björk wore on the red carpet at the Oscars in 2001? I'm the one who killed that swan!
Regardless of my enduring passion for wrapping models in toilet paper, snipping out the crotches and placing flowerpots on their heads, sitting on my ass watching television is where my heart ultimately lies. But here's the good news! Starting this week, I can once again fuse my two passions when Project Runway returns for its second season (Bravo, 10 p.m. Wednesday, Dec. 7).
For those unlucky few who missed the greatest reality show of last season, Project Runway is a competition intended to sniff out the next great fashion designer. Germanic Amazon/supermodel Heidi Klum is the host who administers a series of grueling tests for the contestants, all of whom are hoping to win $100,000 in seed money to start their own line of clothing and debut their work at New York Fashion Week in February. But that's not the reason to watch. As far as I'm concerned, these talentless hacks are a waste of valuable oxygen and wouldn't know a pinafore from a spaghetti strap. What's amazing about Project Runway is that no other reality show allows their contestants to be who they really are: a group of cigarette-smoking, backstabbing, bitchy clothes whores.
Last season flourished with such great characters as Jay (the small-town freak who took home the gold), Austin (who puts the "boy" in "flamboyant") and the evil Wendy Pepper (who wasn't so much evil as a self-loathing borderline psychopath). And that's what makes this series so great these fashion designers are just like me: flamboyant coke snorters who dress like we tripped and fell into a homeless person's shopping cart. And that, my friend, is good television. By the way, did I mention you look like SHIT today? EEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Still flamboyant after all these years.
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, DEC. 1
8 p.m. ABC THE LIFE OF POPE JOHN PAUL II
(Movie, 2005) The TV-movie version of Pope John Paul's life, which will include plenty of explosions and hot chicks.
8 p.m. FOX THE O.C.
While Ryan, Seth and Summer ponder what to do after graduation, Johnny is busy being hit by a car.
FRIDAY, DEC. 2
8 p.m. ABC SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN
The most awesome of the creepy wooden puppet Christmas specials, featuring the Winter Warlock!
9 p.m. CBS KNOTS LANDING REUNION
The original cast of this classic nighttime soap reunites to stab each other in the back.
SATURDAY, DEC. 3
8:30 p.m. FOX INTERROGATION ROOM
Actual interrogations of actual criminal suspects! Hey, what are you doing with that rubber hose?
SUNDAY, DEC. 4
8 p.m. SPIKE SCARFACE
(Movie, 1983) Al Pacino stars as the most hilarious coke-snorting Cuban crime boss ever!
9 p.m. ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Lynette brings her rotten kids to work, causing office suicide rates to spike.
MONDAY, DEC. 5
8 p.m. FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
YAY! AD is back and retarded Rita's uncle is racing to stop the wedding.
9 p.m. SCIFI THE TRIANGLE
Debut! An eccentric billionaire forms a team of scientist/ adventurers to take on the Bermuda Triangle! Boooo, Bermuda Triangle!
TUESDAY, DEC. 6
9 p.m. NBC MY NAME IS EARL
Earl attempts to atone for all the crappy Christmas presents he's given to Joy.
9:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE
Michael attempts to "spice up" the office's Secret Santa gift exchange. Horror and misery ensues.
WEDNESDAY, DEC. 7
9 p.m. UPN VERONICA MARS
Veronica faces an adult's worst nightmare being selected for jury duty!
10 p.m. ABC ALIAS
After bombing in their Thursday time slot, Alias (and Jennifer Garner's underpants) move to Wednesdays.