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Final countdown in Tallahassee

Measures being bandied about in state legislature as session winds down: sharia law, alimony and “unborn quick children”

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SINGLE WHITE MALE

Guns weren’t the only dubious erections lining the locker-room floor of the Florida House of Representatives last week. Nearly every tiny-dick overcompensation imaginable in the arcade of social issues was trotted out and kicked forward on April 18, with all of the brute-faced gall you’ve come to appreciate from your government date-raping you. Bros gotta look out for bros, you know?

Divorced Rep. Ritch Workman, R- Melbourne (bald, goatee), pushed through his version of sexual fairness via an alimony bill that will limit payouts to ex-wives, because divorce is hard on the man, too, yo. And speaking of divorce, you wouldn’t want your Muslim ex-wife’s family to go all Sharia on you, so Rep. Larry Metz, R-Yalaha (Yalaha!), passed that out-of-thin-air xenophobic crisis (House Bill 351) into law to soothe your Christian soul.

Ladies? Well, it’s best if you keep your lips sealed and your legs crossed, apparently. The House maneuver meant to stiffen penalties on, uh, miscarriages, probably – HB 759 – passed muster, effectively renaming “unborn quick children” into “unborn children” in future Florida statute. Double the penalty, double the fun!

More scandalously, the preposterous bill that would treat the nonexistent problem of people choosing to get abortions based on the race or sex of their child, HB 845, passed. It would effectively punish doctors who performed those procedures as felons, and basically make the whole chain of procedural questioning – from nurses to staff – a hot potato of criminalization.

That bill’s author, the never-lovable Charles Van Zant, R-Palatka, apparently ruffled a few lady feathers while debating the bill.

“Van Zant said black women have been forced to get abortions,” Rep. Linda Stewart texted us, appalled. “So black women walked out. Me too. Today is a really mean day.”

And this is a really mean world.

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