ARIES (March 21-April 19) It’s time to start preparing for the shocks that will arrive when the Mayan calendar ends on Dec. 21, 2012. Learn how to use a gun, live off the grid and gather edible wild plants. APRIL FOOL! The period leading up to the winter solstice in 2012 will bring no more than the usual rate of breakdowns and breakthroughs that has characterized the last two decades. This week, expand your mind about the massive transformations we’re in the midst of, and think about how you can become even more skilled at constantly changing.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) When you call to get pizza delivered and the clerk who takes your order asks your name, say you’re Paris Hilton. When someone you’re meeting is annoyed because you’re late, say you couldn’t help it because you were smoking crack in the bus station bathroom with your mom and lost track of time. If asked how much education you have, say you have three Ph.D.s in astrobiology, Russian literature and whale songs. APRIL FOOL! It’s crucial for you to be utterly accurate about yourself. Try to go the entire week without indulging in even one white lie about who you really are.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Danni, “Psychic to the Rich and Famous,” predicts that Eliot Spitzer will relocate to Nevada to build an empire of legal high-end brothels that will feature the services of Britney Spears and other starlets on the downside. In that spirit, I prophesy that during the rest of 2008, you will have a love life as tumultuous and melodramatic as the romantic escapades of bipolar Hollywood idols. APRIL FOOL! Your love life may be unusual, uncanny and highly entertaining during the next eight months, but it won’t be painfully funny.
CANCER (June 21-July 22) If you feel possessed by a ghost this week, don’t worry about it: You’re just channeling the spirit of a person you were in a previous incarnation. You may feel like a puppet whose strings are being yanked by an invisible entity, but at least you can rest content knowing that entity used to be you. APRIL FOOL! You should not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to be controlled by old days and old ways – even if the invasion comes in the form of someone you used to be.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Author Rick Fields wrote about the time a friend called to recommend a workshop he’d signed up for. “You’ve got to come,” the friend said. “This seminar will completely change your life in one brief weekend.” Fields was skeptical. “I don’t want to completely change my life this weekend,” he replied. “I’ve got a lot of things to do on Monday.” I urge you to adopt a similar stance toward any big educational experiences that promise to dislodge you from your routine. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, you’ll benefit from responding to invitations that just might thoroughly upgrade your world very quickly.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) In The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams says “the meaning of life, the universe and everything” is the number 42. This week you will prove that’s wrong, as you accumulate evidence that the meaning of life, the universe and everything is actually 59. APRIL FOOL! The meaning of everything can’t be reduced to one number or even to a single theory or ideology. In fact, the meaning of everything is just the opposite: It’s mystery, ambiguity and chaos. Get out there and enjoy the prodigious, kaleidoscopic truth!
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Ralph Nader for President of the United States! Ron Paul for Vice-President! Oprah for Secretary of State! Dennis Kucinich for Speaker of the House! It’s time to overthrow the powers-that-be and install leaders who will actually work for the good of the people. APRIL FOOL! As much as I’d love to see those public servants ascend to high office, it doesn’t make sense to fight for that outcome; revolution is not yet in the works. This is a time to pursue hard-earned incremental improvements that will come through a willingness to compromise. Don’t waste your time on all-or-nothing proposals.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) If you’re intent on scoring an exotic psychedelic drug from Africa, please seek out stuff that has been grown organically. If you’re planning to acquire a panther as a pet, make sure it has been housebroken. And if you find it impossible to repress your urge to stagger into a bar and find a stranger to take home for a night of carnal rapture, be sure to practice safe sex. APRIL FOOL! Here’s my real message for you: You’re susceptible to rationalizing risky behavior, which could lead you to do stupid things. I suggest you either postpone sketchy adventures for a couple of weeks, or else get frank feedback from a clear-headed friend before diving in.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Lots of sex: That’s the only sure method for enhancing your intelligence, increasing your income and bringing you closer to your spiritual sources. I suggest you embark on a nonstop immersion in erotic experiments, stopping only occasionally to sleep and eat. APRIL FOOL! There’s a crucial caveat: Make sure the sex is blended with dramatic doses of tenderness, love and compassion. Otherwise you’ll be wasting your time.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Right-wing politico William Kristol applauded President Bush’s decision to nix better health insurance coverage for kids. “Whenever I hear anything described as a heartless assault on our children, I tend to think it’s a good idea,” he told Fox News. “I’m happy that the President’s willing to do something bad for the kids.” In the coming week, you should adopt Kristol’s attitude. APRIL FOOL! It’s true that the demands of innocent young things and sprouting naive types might inconvenience you. But it’s in your long-term interests to be in eager service to whatever’s unripe and unspoiled and growing fast.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) After mining operations stripped away the plant life on China’s Laoshou Mountain, the bureau of forestry hired workers to paint the bare surface of the whole facade green. You should take a similar approach to tidying up after your own recent “mining operation.” APRIL FOOL! I was kidding. What I really meant is that you should do the metaphorical equivalent of planting a lot of trees and bushes to compensate for the consequences of your “mining operation.” Don’t be satisfied with merely cosmetic fixes.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) You need more mayonnaise in your life. The omens suggest you should use it as a condiment with every meal and even add it to smoothies and cocktails. Make mayonnaise a part of your skin-care regimen, try it out as a brass polisher and employ it to spice up your sex life. APRIL FOOL! You didn’t seriously believe the planetary aspects are suggesting you should obsess on mayonnaise, did you? You do need a new spirit medicine, but it’s not made from eggs. Here’s your real horoscope, courtesy of philosopher Jonathan Zap: “Find your spirit medicine. And remember that what works for someone else may not work for you (and vice-versa). Also what works for you when used consciously, sparingly, in just right the circumstances, might be disastrous as a habit.”