You’re not the kid who got the coach’s “Nice hustle!” ass-pat. You’re not the team member who turned in that report early. You don’t even know
what you’re eating for dinner tonight … but who cares, that’s why God put a 7-Eleven full of taquitos on every corner of this burg.
Face it: You’re a lazy bastard. A feckless, slothful, slack motherfucker.
It’s probably something you and your loved ones have adjusted to; your mom tells people you’ve always been a daydreamer and your S.O. knows better than to try to start a conversation when you have that checked-out look on your face. But some people (like your boss, who’s throwing a Zombie Ball) still expect you to pull your shit together once in a while, and if you have Halloween plans, you are going to need a costume. Luckily, I, too, am a procrastinator, and I’m willing to share some of the costumes I’ve pulled right out of thin air in past years, sometimes mere minutes before realizing I have to go to a costume party oh goddammit what the hell am I going to wear.
Feel free, leadbutt, to avail yourself of my last-minute craftiness. But I’m warning you, brace yourself for a night full of rolled eyes and groans as you explain your ridiculous get-up; and know that anyone who put real work into their look is going to throw some shade your way.
Household ingredients: pink sweatshirt, sneaker, duct tape
Stick the shoe to the back of the sweatshirt. Congrats, you’re bubblegum.
Household ingredients: yellow shirt, white hat of any kind (although fluffy is good, like sheepskin)
Put on both items of clothing. Congrats, you’re beer.
Household ingredients: a very large pair of pants, piece of cardboard, Sharpie
Make a sign that says “AFTER”; walk around holding the pants out in front of you and making a crazy-eyed happyface. Congrats, you’re the second half of a weight-loss ad.
Household ingredients: two black T-shirts and a white T-shirt, some black and white paper, scissors, tape, two equally apathetic friends
Cut out the letters O, R, E and another O. You see where this is going; do I really have to explain it?
Household ingredients: white sheet, scissors, years of wasted potential
Cut out ghost-shaped eyeholes. Drape over head. Resolve to do better next year.