Dear friends and family: How are you? Fine, I hope. I am writing to let you know that as of … mmmm … right about now, I want nothing to do with you for the next three months. And stop looking at me like I just spit in your mouth. You know as well as I do the new fall season of shows STARTS THIS WEEK so how can you even hope to compete? You can't. So stop doing all those annoying things, including, but not limited to: trying to engage me in conversation, hitting me up for "weed" and/or money, begging me to visit dying relatives and engaging in sexual coitus. THAT'S how serious I am! And instead of pooh-poohing me, you should be checking out these new shows debuting this week (… on your own satellite system, thankyouverymuch).
Reunion (Fox, debuts Thursday, Sept. 8, 9 p.m.) If you loved St. Elmo's Fire, you're gonna go ape-dookie over the new ensemble drama Reunion. This show chronicles the lives of six friends starting with high school graduation and ending with their 20th reunion. But here's the gimmick: Each episode documents an entire year of their lives. Over the course of the season, characters marry, divorce, have kids and cover up the mysterious death of one of their own. HUMPY'S TAKE: I hated St. Elmo's Fire … except for the part where Rob Lowe played the saxophone while wearing a sleeveless T-shirt.
Bones (Fox, debuts Tuesday, Sept. 13, 8 p.m.) Yay! Angel's back! Angel's back! (Yeah … except he ain't Angel … BOOOOOOO!) David "Angel" Boreanaz returns in an un-blood-sucky role as straight-laced FBI agent Seeley Booth (stoopid name!) working with sexy forensic anthropologist Dr. Temperance Brennan (again with the stoopid names!). The hotsy doc has a Ã?air for "reading" the bones of murder victims, as well as making googly eyes at that strapping mountain of man-meat Boreanaz. HUMPY'S TAKE: I also like a little Angel man-meat … and though the chemistry between these two looks hot enough, does TV really need another CSI nerd-fest?
Supernatural (WB, debuts Tuesday, Sept. 13, 9 p.m.) Where's David Boreanaz when you need him? In this hour-long spookster, two WB rejects Jared Padalecki from Gilmore Girls and Jensen Ackles from Smallville play brothers who race around the country solving supernatural crimes. HUMPY'S TAKE: Hey, Shaggy and Scooby! Where's the Mystery Machine? Dumb-asses …
Head Cases (Fox, debuts Wednesday, Sept. 14, 9 p.m.) Chris O'Donnell who you remember from Scent of a Woman and wearing that big codpiece in Batman & Robin stars as a successful lawyer who gets shit-canned, dumped by his wife and sent to the funny farm. He hooks up with another wacko ambulance chaser (Adam "I always play a crazy person" Goldberg), and together they open a new firm while trying to keep each other sane. HUMPY'S TAKE: Though you've seen Goldberg's nutso character a thousand times, check out O'Donnell, who believe it or don't pulls out an awesome, layered performance. This could be a show that's actually worth alienating your family and losing that inheritance. On second thought … maybe I can spare a little "weed" after all.
Send all notices of inheritance to … email@example.com
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, SEPT. 8
8 p.m. FOX THE O.C.
Season Premiere! Trey's life hangs in the balance so who's going to take the fall for drunk Marissa this time?
9 p.m. FOX REUNION
Debut! This drama explores the relationship of a gang of friends over 20 years. Unbelievable old-person makeup alert!
FRIDAY, SEPT. 9
9 p.m. CBS FASHION ROCKS
Hoity-toity clothes mix with hotsy-totsy rock, featuring music from Destiny's Child, Duran Duran and Nelly.
SATURDAY, SEPT. 10
9 p.m. NBC LIVE FROM NEW YORK
An excellent documentary reliving the first five years of Saturday Night Live.
SUNDAY, SEPT. 11
8 p.m. FOX THE SIMPSONS
Season Premiere! Fat Tony makes a porno in the Simpsons' garage, prompting Marge to move out.
8:30 p.m. FOX THE WAR AT HOME
Debut! Michael Rapaport stars as a typical sitcom dad in this typical sitcom.
10:30 p.m. VH1 BREAKING BONADUCE
Debut! The former Danny Partridge gets his own reality show documenting the incredible mess he's made of his life.
MONDAY, SEPT. 12
8 p.m. ABC WIFE SWAP
Season Premiere! A new season of harried suburban housewives given even more unbearable work to do.
9 p.m. FOX PRISON BREAK
Michael's breakout gets delayed again when an inmate takes a suspicious interest in his sexy tattoos.
TUESDAY, SEPT. 13
8 p.m. WB GILMORE GIRLS
Season Premiere! Luke gets embarrassed when the townfolk start snooping around his engagement to Lorelai.
9 p.m. FOX HOUSE
Season Premiere! Dr. House treats a death row inmate (unfortunately portrayed by LL Cool J).
10 p.m. FX RESCUE ME
Season Finale! Tommy deals with his goofball addiction, while a member of the firehouse threatens to walk.
WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 14
9 p.m. UPN VERONICA MARS
For those who missed it, here's a repeat of Veronica's season finale, where we discover the identity of who murdered Lily Kane!
9 p.m. FOX HEAD CASES
Debut! Two nutso lawyers team up to take on the legal system. Hilarity will proceed!