When all else fails, there's always the "grab bag," a reliable method of filling up column inches until the world gets going again:
Slug product o' the week
As a red-blooded American male, I understand that George W. Bush sucks. I also understand that hot chicks rule. Somebody had to combine these two ineluctable truths.
Credit the tack-sharp folks at www.babesagainstbush.com for hitting upon the political equivalent of pizza and beer with their official Babes Against Bush Regime Change Countdown Calendar. The slogan says it all: "Thirteen beautiful women versus one hideous president." For $11 (plus $1.95 shipping) you get a calendar that reminds you daily of the (oh Lord we beseech you!) dwindling tenure of America's All-Time Worst President Ever, while providing the eye candy that NASCAR dads love. And, as the punditocracy reminds us regularly, NASCAR dads are vital to this election.
Junior's surname being what it is, there's no shortage of good puns in the Babes calendar. For example, the woman with "Lick Bush in '04" scrawled in lipstick on her stomach; or the blonde in a miniskirt with a muscle shirt that reads, "Bush Sucks/Ashcroft Swallows." Political discourse taken to a new low. I love it.
According to the website, a portion of the money generated by the calendar "will be donated to worthy causes of the sort that give Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell and company fits -- pro-environment, pro-civil rights, pro-peace, pro-woman, anti-AIDS and most especially ANTI-Bush." Which ought to help assuage your conscience as you leer.
Slug event o' the week
Members of Bikers for an English Speaking America believe we've already given up too much ground when it comes to the mother tongue. Hence their second annual "Speak English or Get the Fuck Out Run" set for noon, Jan. 11, at Betty's Laughing Horse Tavern, 907 N. Goldenrod Road.
They get a plug here simply because they ain't gonna get one anywhere else. (It's the "F" word, folks; tends to limit your options). Plus it's always nice to be reminded that America really isn't the all-embracing melting pot your social studies teacher said it is (and never was, if "Gangs of New York" was any indication). Plus, beer, motorcycles and jingoism always equals party!
Proceeds from the run benefit Pro English, a group that counts ending bilingual education among its goals. Laissez les bons temps rouler, mofos.
Slug farewell o' the week
Tim Franklin, the Orlando Sentinel's executive editor, is leaving The City Beautiful for the city Baltimore, where he will edit the Sun, the once-great newsprint home of H.L. Mencken. One can't help wonder if the job is payback for Franklin's assistance in breaking a strike among reporters, editors and ad sales people last summer. Both the Sentinel and the Sun are owned by the Tribune Corp. And the Sentinel, you might recall, was ready to send its people to Baltimore as scabs. Betcha Tim's gonna be welcomed like a foreigner at Betty's!