You may have been following the extremely titillating controversy surrounding the March 16 Pansexuality Fetish Party at Firestone Live that is drawing the wrath of God, or maybe you've been too busy masturbating in private. Regardless, we first caught lubricated wind of the fracas the party has inspired on March 5, when we obtained an email signed by none other than Quran-burning, Obama-effigy-hanging, global-conflict-through-bad-movie-making Dove World Outreach pastor Terry Jones. Him, again!
"They are calling it pansexuality, but what it really is is another way for gay culture to reach out and influence your youth and tell them that it's normal to have another person of the same sex wrapped in chains or sodomized," Jones pounded. "We can't stand for this type of behavior! We can't stand for this to be allowed to exist unprotested."
Because Jones, like his friends at the Westboro Baptist Church, can't stand for anything not to be protested. Anyway, the whole thing has descended into a comedic mess. Local organizers launched a Facebook page for the protest (March 9 and March 16 at 3 p.m. outside of Firestone), which was quickly infiltrated by hilarious miscreants and sodomizers with grand quipping skills. One of the protest organizers, Fran Ingram, is apparently immune to irony. She keeps posting things about this new "gay sex club" and about President Obama being light in the loafers.
"I am a sinner. We all are. But I know I need to repent," she wrote last week. "This club promotes sin and invites you people who have no shame and others to the same lifestyle – Hussein Obama is the most shameless evil President America ever had. He promotes sodomy (he is gay himself) and abortion. He does not care about life or any standard of morality. He is God's judgment on America. And it is getting worse."
OK, she's right. Except she isn't, not about anything. We spoke with Pansexual party planner Jacean Mikhael (of yknotevents) about his intentions and the ruckus he's drummed up, and guess what – it's just like every other fetish party that Terry Jones has never been to in Orlando. Mikhael suspects that somebody from the Bible must have been tipped off by a giant billboard at the corner of 441 and the Turnpike and run into Jones' hellfire pit with the news.
A few other things Mikhael wanted to make clear: Pansexuality is an inclusive lifestyle that shuns labels and invites kinkier gays and straights and everyone else to the proverbial table; he expects up to 2,000 people from all over the country to attend; a portion of proceeds will go to help the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom; oh, and Firestone is not becoming a "gay sex club," mostly because "regardless of orientation, I don't believe there are any actual sex clubs that would be allowed to be open in downtown Orlando."
"As much as some of these people would love some of these activities to be illegal," Mikhael says, "they're not."