Welcome to the new normal! Even despite a few redneck secession petition-drives, the outcome of the Nov. 6 general election was a cheerful splash of blue. The best part: This time, Florida only got to play pockmarked understudy to the dramatic flourishes of the other swing states, even though it tried its damndest to repeat its role as the most recounted state in the union (which also made people wait up to six hours just to participate in their own democracy).
Over the weekend, Florida was called for President Barack Obama, pushing his electoral count total to a whopping 332 (to Republican challenger Mitt Romney's 206), though chrome-domed miserablist Gov. Rick Scott was still silently gasping the word "review" to anybody who could hear him.
Somebody else left gasping was that concerned mom from those political-season campaign ads who, in typical melodramatic ad fashion, stared woefully at her iPad while sitting in her lovely Colonial kitchen and asked Obama: "What Have You Done for Me Lately?"
We caught up with the brunette spokeslady for all concerned, well-off white women – or at least her reasonable facsimile, "Poor Rich White Lady," a Facebook personality (with 309 likes!) created by local comedian Jeff Jones the week of the election – to commiserate over rubbing-alcohol cocktails.
Happytown™: I know you must be kind of broken up right now, but can you give me some tips on how it is that you were able to expand your kitchen in between your two commercials – you know, with that heavy production schedule and the kids to look after?
Poor Rich White Lady: "Well unlike Barack Obama, I support growth. Growth begins at home, specifically in my kitchen. Americans deserves the right to have not just one, but two kitchen islands. Did you notice how small my kitchen flatscreen is? My family can't live like that."
HT: Other than your maid Lupita, do you know any poor people (like Democrat poor) personally? If so, have you spoken to any of them since Tuesday? How did they react?
PRWL: "I personally do not know any poor people, but I do watch television shows about them. I can see they are struggling. Those homosexuals on Modern Family couldn't even afford to adopt a white baby. Though, in all honesty they shouldn't have been able to have any baby."
HT: What's your favorite Windex drink recipe?
PRWL: "Windex, gin and valium."
HT: What's the latest magazine story that you read to Sarah Palin? Were the gays involved?
PRWL: "Sarah prefers that I do not read to her from publications by the lame stream media. But she is quite fond of the games in Highlights magazine. Gays can read?"
HT: Do you have any previous experience confronting the crippling national debt?
PRWL: "I didn't know the crippled had anything to do with the national debt, I just like being able to use their parking spots at the mall."
HT: I'm thinking about buying a new MacBook Pro. Would you spring for the Retina screen? Also, is that a real iPad or a tablet?
PRWL: "I only use Mac products. That is true American genius when a cosmetic company can also make amazing computers and phones."
HT: Have you ever had sex dreams about Paul Ryan's P90X video? Rick Scott at a donut shop?
PRWL: "Well, I haven't eaten carbs since 2004 so I refuse to even look at or think of donuts. But yes, when my husband left 3 months ago, Paul Ryan has been the only thing that has gotten me through the lonely nights. That and Ambien with a Jack Daniels chaser."
HT: What's your favorite nickname for Mitt Romney. Was he your first husband?
PRWL: "I will always refer to him as Mr. President. Though I have heard that Ann calls him Barack in bed. I have only had one husband. I respect the sanctity of marriage. Have you seen my husband? I haven't in months. Last I knew he was on a missionary trip with Marcus Bachmann."
HT: Did you cry on Tuesday night? Well, I know you blacked out, but were there tearstains on your silk blouse or your mink hammock?
PRWL: "Maybe, I'm not sure. What happened Tuesday?"
HT: And finally, seeing as the world has fallen apart like Victoria Jackson's career, are you going to move to a different house, perhaps one without two pool-temperature options and maybe one less walk-in closet?
PRWL: "We will be forced to downsize now that the national debt since has tripled after the president's re-election. My children are worried. What do I tell them? Where are they? Are you going to finish that mojito?"
HT: Thank you for your time, Poor Rich White Lady. I hope you survive.
Keeping with the theme of survival, the election's biggest (in more ways than one) upset came in the bloated form of financial house-of-cards state Rep. Chris Dorworth, R-Lake Mary. Dorworth, who was on tap to become the House Speaker in 2014 due to his Republican awesomeness, couldn't even get enough votes to overpower relative unknown attorney and firefighter Democrat Mike Clelland who, as of Monday, was ahead by 140 votes out of 74,000 cast, with every possible recount mechanism squeezed. Now Dorworth joins his buddy, state Rep. Scott Plakon, R-Longwood, on the overstatement bench of rejection.
Though the Democratic legislative groundswell was characterized with the term "modest gains" by the Tampa Bay Times – Republicans held on to majorities in both legislative camps, but they're not super majorities anymore – the Central Florida Democratic caucus now boasts a teacher (Karen Castor Dentel), a gay activist (Joe Saunders), and a fireman (Clelland) among its standard sea of grumpy old men which means that, for progressives, there may at least be some hope for this state yet. And for a state with some 500,000 more registered Democrats than Republicans, maybe somebody finally cleaned the looking glass through which we're all staring. In other words, back to normal.
Who was behind the Rich White Lady ad?
Crossroads Grassroots Policy Strategies
Founder: Karl Rove
Year founded: 2010
Based in: Warrenton, Va.
Claims to: "promote social welfare"
IRS status: 501(c)4 nonprofit
Revenue reported to IRS in 2011: $28.4 million
Amount spent on political campaigns in 2012: $70,709,963.56
Amount spent supporting Republicans: $7,089,911.48
Amount spent opposing Democrats: $62,605,956.97
Source: Crossroads GPS' 990 form filed with the IRS, forms filed with the Federal Elections Commission, the Sunlight Foundation