News & Features » News

Happytown: Sen. Marco Rubio, Republican savior

He loves Pitbull, state's rights and Jesus



Sen. Marco Rubio sure is getting a lot of ink lately, and we don't mean the kind we imagine wiggles tribally around his flabby biceps. The (still) rising star of the Republican nightmare got cornered on Feb. 5 by BuzzFeed at one of the website's drinking parties, and he revealed that he's in love with Pitbull before opining on gay marriage. Specifically, Rubio was completely unspecific about his position on the issue. Marriage is something that only God-humping heterosexuals should be afforded, of course, but Rubio's gay buck stops there: "I've always been uncomfortable with a federal constitutional amendment on anything, particularly on that, because it steps on the rights of states to define marriage."

Perhaps the shiftiness is the result of the praise that's been headed his way from party insiders and, as a result, Big Media ("When he speaks, it's like someone tapped a tuning fork. He just hums," former RNC chair Ed Gillespie told the Washington Post, creepily). The current issue of Time rung the bell even louder, smacking Rubio on its cover and declaring him "the Republican Savior." You guys, Rubio is like under so much pressure right now. Give him some space.

Well, maybe not. Sheepish manchild Rubio responded to the glory in the way that sheepish manchildren do: Twitter. "There is only one savior, and it is not me," he Tweeted, following it with "#Jesus." Please shut up.