By now you're familiar with the saga of Blow Job Bob™ Allen, the Merritt Island Republican state representative (and John McCain presidential campaign co-chair) arrested July 11 after allegedly offering to give an undercover cop a hummer and pay him $20.
Allen says this is all some big misunderstanding, but offered no real explanation as to the nature of the misunderstanding, or any details about how he ended up in a bathroom stall with the cop in the first place. Ooops!
Of course, who's to say it wasn't an accident? Who among us hasn't walked into an occupied bathroom stall, closed the door and started a creepy conversation with the occupant that, according to police reports, went something like this:
Cop: "Hey, buddy."
Allen: "Hi."Allen: "Hi."
Cop: "What's up?"
Allen: "Hi. This is kind of a public place, isn't it?"
Cop: "Do you have somewhere else we can go?"
Allen: "How about across the bridge? It's quiet over there."
Et cetera. Happens all the time around here.
Anyway, seeing as the Republicans are the party of traditional family values and all, we thought it would be kind of fun to find out what Blow Job Bob™ has been up to in the Florida Legislature these past few sessions.
In the 2007 session he sponsored HB 1475, an act relating to "lewd and lascivious exhibition." Uh-oh. Allen's bill, which didn't pass, would have broadened the scope of who could be busted for lewd and lascivious behavior and permitted warrantless arrests for certain types of infractions. No mercy for creeps!
That same year he also sponsored HB 59, a little piece of legislation called the "Sexual Predator Elimination Act" that would dictate life in prison for certain types of sexual battery offenses and up the mandatory minimum sentences for others. The bill was withdrawn prior to being introduced. (It's a variation of a bill he's been trying to get passed for a couple years.) Lock up the filth and throw away the key!
In 2004 he sponsored HR 9131, a resolution declaring April 18-25 "Military Working Dog Team Week" in Florida. That one passed.
Seems that BJB™ has some weird fixation on sex offenders and military dogs. We report, you decide.
Doug Guetzloe, our favorite AM talk show host that nobody listens to outside The Villages and trailer parks, escaped the recently brought felony perjury charges against him when the main witness dropped dead.
On July 11, prosecutors dropped charges that Guetzloe lied to the Federal Elections Commission last year about a campaign against a Daytona Beach city commission candidate. Prosecutors said Guetzloe told the FEC that he'd paid for mailers and advertisements that targeted the candidate, Darlene Yordon, when in reality Robert Lewis, the Seminole County chief deputy clerk of the court who moonlighted as a political consultant, paid for them. When Lewis died of a heart attack July 7, the case against Guetzloe died too.
Guetzloe, for his part, says he never lied. But rest assured, the Ax the Tax curmudgeon isn't out of the woods yet. He's still staring down a 60-day jail sentence after he pleaded no contest to misdemeanor elections-related charges last year. Guetzloe's sentence was put on hold when he told the judge he had cancer. He's now appealing.
But for Guetzloe, the bad news never quite stops coming: The day after the charges were dropped, a federal judge ordered him to pay $70,000 for filing a frivolous lawsuit.
This just in: Orange County commissioner Linda Stewart has apparently gone all hippie on us. Not only did Stewart drive to Miami for Gov. Charlie Crist's climate change summit July 12-13, but she called us from the tree-hugging fest to say she wants to "turn Orange green."
"Nobody in Florida's doing anything," she says. "We have done nothing." (Not true. Happytown™ always recycles its 40s.)
But what to do about it? Enact the Kyoto Protocol in Central Florida? Actually, she wants the county to get into hybrids: hybrid vehicles, hybrid LYNX buses and hybrid school buses. She also wants to give out incentives to environmental technology companies, which she says could generate 14,000 jobs.
But it doesn't stop there. Stewart also wants county buildings to conform to Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design standards, which means they'd be converted into eco-friendly edifices that Al Gore himself would be happy to inhabit.
But here's the kicker: She wants that LEED standard applied to the proposed Rich DeVos' Golden Pleasure Dome™ and the performing arts center, and she'll make a big stink about it July 26 when the county commission takes up the community venues. She says Orlando Mayor Buddy Dyer is none too thrilled with her proposal, since it would slow down his plan to build a billionaire a playpen with your money.
You loved him as a candidate for city council. You couldn't get enough of him as your potential mayor. Now get ready for … Tom Levine, the movie!
OK, not really. The iconoclast who wanted to bring a "peasant revolt" to City Hall isn't actually the subject of a film. But his second book, Paradise Interrupted, very well could be.
Local filmmaker Dave Segal, of Alien Surf Productions, read the self-published novel and liked it enough to offer to put it on the big screen. Levine agreed immediately.
"It's such a fantastically appealing book, apparently," he says. "Florida needs this. I need this, because along with this probably comes money."
Paradise Interrupted is the fictional tale of the Disneyfication of Orlando and includes at least one scene in which a woman is canoeing naked, therefore earning it the Happytown™ stamp of approval. Look for it at a theater near you sometime in the murky firstname.lastname@example.org