Make no mistake: This holiday season is going to be rough. Post-election holidays are always fraught with the potential for shouting matches and insults being thrown across the dinner table, but the aftermath of Trump's ... victory? Is that the word we're using? – has shown just how little common ground exists between you and your Baby Boomer uncle Charlie (or your Millennial cousin Kayla or whatever). You're gonna need a drink. Put these items on your wishlist so that the people who care about you can make sure you get through the holidays without trying to off yourself with an electric turkey fryer. Or indulge in a little selfishness like the other half of the electorate, and buy them for yourself.
1. Corkcicle Chillsner Beer Chiller, $29.95 per pair, corkcicle.com
The Corkcicle seems like kind of a gag gift that you might get for someone who's known to hit the wine a little frequently: a metal "icicle" that you freeze and then plunge down the neck of a bottle of wine to keep it cool. But hey, rosé doesn't taste good warm, and they work. Corkcicle now makes a beer bottle-sized version called the Chillsner. They come in a pack of two, and if you drink as fast as we do, that should be enough to get you through a whole room-temp sixer without having to resort to the wet paper towel trick.
2. Death Before Craft Beer can glass set, $19 per pair, thevnm.com
Yes, craft beer can get you drunk faster than good old domestic brews, but with those high ABVs and a higher price point, you're not going to be able to maintain the mid-level buzz you're gonna need to get yourself through to next year if you stick with the fancy stuff. The VNM, local designers of proudly lowbrow apparel and accessories, have you covered with these can-shaped 16-ounce glasses that let you proudly display your preference for the tried-and-true cheap stuff. Warning: will not stop your shitty Tea Party sister-in-law from calling you an "elitist."
3. Quench Products Bar10der, $29.99, quenchproducts.com
Once your mom's neighbor starts talking about how people against Trump need to show him respect, ignoring the behavior of congressional Republicans over the past eight years, you might need to start hitting the hard stuff. If you have this multitool handy, you'll be able to keep your hands busy juicing citrus, zesting lemon peel, opening bottles, popping corks, and doing anything else you might need to do to keep from throwing your hands up and walking out of the Christmas Eve party. Plus, the paring knife can be used to discourage unwanted attention from anyone who thinks that they have a right to touch you inappropriately.
4. Alcomate Revo, $219.95, alcomate.net
Perhaps the only thing more dangerous than getting into a political discussion this holiday season is getting into a car. The Alcomate Revo, a pocket-sized breathalyzer, has the capability of saving yours or someone you care about's life. About the size of a phone, the Revo works exactly how you think it does: power it on, blow into the disposable mouthpiece until it clicks, then read the digital display to get an idea of how schwasted you are (or someone else is). Then steal that guy's keys and make him sleep on the couch, because just because you voted for Jill Stein doesn't mean we want you dead, Dave.