As you may have heard, American Idol returns to TV this week (Fox, 8 p.m. Tuesday, Jan. 15), which means I’m going to buy a shotgun to blow my head off (Wal-Mart, Monday, Jan. 14, on sale $24.99). Don’t these Idol people have any respect for the sanctity of human life? They know how I feel about them, and yet they still return year after year after year – like that unusual sore on my dainty parts (which, BTW, has been officially diagnosed and is NOT an STD).
Anyhoo, this year’s American Idol is sure to be more annoying than ever – because, thanks to the writers’ strike, they’re practically the only game in town! In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if they CAUSED the writers’ strike, just to eliminate any possible competition! Those … sneaky … BASTARDS!!
It’s like I always say: Every person associated with American Idol is a freaking LIAR – yet, that’s half the reason I still watch it. Curse you, Ryan Seacrest: You know I can’t resist your desperate attempts to hide your sexuality (just admit you’re STRAIGHT, already)! Damn you, Randy “Check It Out, Dog” Jackson: When will you admit you’re WHITE? Eff you, Paula Abdul: People botch lobotomies all the time … so ’fess up! And finally, crap YOU, Simon Cowell: You have a magnificent pair of flabby man-titties – and yet you refuse to share them with the world!
However! If by some remote chance Wal-Mart’s shotgun aisle is empty, and I’m still alive on Tuesday, I suppose I’ll end up watching the auditions (or as I like to call them, American Idol: Special Olympics). But it’s only because I have a weird fascination with people humiliating themselves. To partially mask my shame, here are a few other shows debuting this week that you should definitely watch instead of Idol. (That is, if you can’t figure out how to load your shotgun.)
• Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Fox, 8 p.m. Sunday, Jan. 13) – Keep your fingers crossed and HOPE this show will make up for the craptacular Bionic Woman. Sick and tired of running from those d-head tin-can Terminators from the future, harried mom Sarah Connor (along with son and future rebellion leader John) decide to fight back by sticking their feet up Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ass. (NOTE: I have a sinking feeling Schwarzenegger isn’t going to be in this show.)
• Reno 911! (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m. Wednesday, Jan. 16) – One of the funniest and darkest sitcoms on TV is back for its fifth season! This week: Gay prostitute Terry returns to show off his new fiancée – and yes, it’s a girl. So … how do they have sex? According to Terry, “We go into the bedroom, we get nude, I can’t get hard, and then I vomit.”
• My Big Redneck Wedding (CMT, 9:30 p.m. Friday, Jan. 11) – Tom “Now I’m Officially Washed Up” Arnold hosts this new show about hillbilly weddings, including a billy goat that’s a maid of honor, mud-wrestling receptions and (I assume) extreme confusion after one hayseed divorces his cousin to marry his sister. Hey! But I bet I can borrow his shotgun!
Have shotgun; will travel.
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, Jan. 10
8:30 p.m. NBC 30 ROCK
Season finale (thanks to the stupid writers’ strike)! Kenneth gets addicted to “devil’s liquid” – coffee!
10 p.m. BRAVO MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL
Debut! Niki Taylor and Tyson Beckford try to turn 14 schlubs into super-hot supermodels.
FRIDAY, Jan. 11
9:30 p.m. CMT MY BIG REDNECK WEDDING
Debut! It’s the classic story of hillbilly-meets-hog, hillbilly-marries-hog.
11 p.m. HBO REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Season premiere! Likable blowhard Bill returns with a stellar lineup of Bush-bashers.
SATURDAY, Jan. 12
9 p.m. SCIFI THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
(Movie, 2005) Based on Douglas Adams’ book, a human and his alien pal travel the cosmos after Earth is blown to poop.
SUNDAY, Jan. 13
8 p.m. NBC GOLDEN GLOBES
The awards show was also canceled due to the writers’ strike, so instead we get a clips show and a press conference. BOR-ING!
8 p.m. FOX TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES
Debut! Sarah protects her son from a bunch of futuristic a-hole tin cans.
MONDAY, Jan. 14
8 p.m. FOX PRISON BREAK
Season premiere! Michael loses weight the easy way – in a Panamanian sweatbox!
8 p.m. NBC AMERICAN GLADIATORS
A mother of twins battles a shark fisherman. Can’t the twins just battle the shark?
TUESDAY, Jan. 15
8 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Season premiere! Oh, for the love of God … here we go again. Well, bring on the retards!
WEDNESDAY, Jan. 16
10 p.m. BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY
The contestants must impress a super-snooty Italian judge in this show that gets better by the episode!
10:30 p.m. COM RENO 911!
Season premiere! Deputy Wiegel has a beautiful newborn baby – which she is prepared to sell to the highest bidder.