So I’ve got this problem, and my problem is that my father isn’t Snoop Dogg. (At least I think he’s not. No … he’s definitely not.) Now, I don’t openly despise my biological father – but C’MON! He’s certainly no Snoop Dogg! For example, does Snoop Dogg wear a belt from JCPenney? No, he does not. Does Snoop Dogg have an unhealthy fascination with rodeo bull riding and openly belching in public? No, he does not. Does Snoop Dogg fall asleep on the couch wearing only a T-shirt and boxer underpants with all his junk spilling out? Perhaps … but Snoop definitely wears more expensive underpants.
Also, does my father have a new reality show debuting 10:30 p.m. Sunday, Dec. 9, on the E! network titled Snoop Dogg’s Father Hood? NO, he most assuredly does NOT. Unfortunately, there’s not a ton of details about Snoop’s new show, but this much we know: It stars Snoop Dogg and portrays his day-to-day life in the posh confines of Beverly Hills as he tries to fit in with the rich honkies while being a good husband and a good father to his three kids.
Here’s how Snoop described his new show to OK! magazine: “I’m just a father. I’m just trying to do what I do as a father. I’m learning how to become a father. I’ve never been taught to be a father. My father was never in my life, so I’m just in the process of learning how to be a father, and hopefully through this TV show … I’ll become a better father.” First hint about being a good father? Don’t say the word “father” a billion times in one paragraph! I thought rappers were supposed to be creative! (Even compared to Snoop and his limited vocabulary, my father still sucks.)
Oh! And another thing Snoop does that my dad never did? Snoop Dogg coaches a youth football league! The closest my pop got to coaching an organized sport was when he would scream at me from the bleachers while I played tee-ball. “FOR THE LOVE OF FREAKING GOD, SON! YOU THROW LIKE A RETARDED GIRL!” (Little did he know that the one retarded girl in my class could throw like Nolan Ryan.)
Anyhoo, now that we’ve established that Snoop Dogg would make a better father than my own father, here is a short list of famous celebrities who would ALSO make a better father than my own father: No. 1, Commander Adama from Battlestar Galactica. Why? Because he’d let me fly a spaceship, dumbass. No. 2, Ricky Martin. True, maybe a man whose most significant contribution to society was “She Bangs” wouldn’t be the best of all possible fathers – but at least he wouldn’t call me “retarded” at tee-ball games. No. 3, the skinny guy on those “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” commercials. HE’S SO COOL!! (Plus, maybe he could score me an iPhone.) And finally, No. 4, Jennifer Garner. Exhibit A, she’s hot. Exhibit B, she seems nice. And Exhibit C, I wouldn’t mind if she fell asleep on the couch with her junk hanging out.
Looking for a doggy daddy.
THURSDAY, DEC. 6
10 P.M. ABC BARBARA WALTERS: 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2007
Babs interviews the Beckhams (not fascinating), Justin Timberlake (fascinating!) and Prez Bill Clinton (fascinating – in 1807).
10 P.M. NBC ER
It’s the show’s 300th episode, in which they treat 300 patients and bore their last 300 viewers.
FRIDAY, DEC. 7
9 P.M. USA MONK
The obsessive-compulsive Mr. Monk investigates Santa’s death. (His beard is SO gross!)
9 P.M. CBS MOVIES ROCK!
A musical salute to the cinema starring Beyoncé, Jennifer Hudson and inexplicably popular “butterface” Fergie.
SATURDAY, DEC. 8
9 P.M. SCIFI EYE OF THE BEAST
(Movie, 2007) A scientist (Dawson’s Creek’s James Van Der Beek) battles a giant squid! YES!!!
SUNDAY, DEC. 9
9 P.M. VH1 AMERICA’S MOST SMARTEST MODEL
Season finale! The smartest model crown is awarded after their final test: Who doesn’t put their underpants on backward?
10:30 P.M. E! SNOOP DOGG’S FATHER HOOD
Debut! To relieve his stress, Snoop tries yoga and meditation (aaaaaaand maybe a bong hit or two?).
MONDAY, DEC. 10
8:30 P.M. CW ALIENS IN AMERICA
The family takes their Pakistani exchange student to a Christian church, and hilarity ensues.
9:30 P.M. COM SOUTH PARK
Gather the kids around for this holiday classic, “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.”
TUESDAY, DEC. 11
10 P.M. FX NIP/TUCK
Things go horribly awry when Sean and Christian perform a tummy tuck on Santa.
10 P.M. MTV A SHOT AT LOVE WITH TILA TEQUILA
Season finale! The horny bisexual must choose between a man and a woman. Poor, poor Tila.
WEDNESDAY, DEC. 12
8 P.M. CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season finale! The winner is crowned … too bad it can’t be the gal with Ass Burgers! (It’s not funny – she has burgers in her ass.)
9 P.M. CW CROWNED
Debut! Mother-and-daughter teams compete in the most sadistic beauty pageant yet!