Happy Thanksgiving, mother-freakers! OR IS IT? If you’re anything like me, expressing an emotion even faintly resembling “thankfulness” has become a near impossibility. How am I supposed to be “thankful” for the three inches of gum and dog feces caked on my shoe? How am I supposed to be “thankful” when the Eagles have the No. 1 album, while New Kids on the Block are eating out of a garbage can? How am I supposed to be “thankful” when every single sexually harassing love letter I send to the cast of Degrassi High gets returned unopened – AND gets my computer confiscated by the FBI?!
As you can clearly see, I have it “worse” than you. HOWEVER! Since it is beneath me to complain about my sorry, pathetic lot in life, today I’m only going to focus on things I am “thankful” for. Such as TELEVISION. Oh, what joy my television brings – even when 80 percent of it is written by a bunch of no-talent hacks who don’t deserve a raise. (BTW, can you writer people hurry up and end your strike? I’m this close to breaking open my DVD set of Designing Women: The Complete Series.) Take this week for example! Here are some shows that could even make ME feign an emotion somewhat similar to being thankful!
THURSDAY, Nov. 22
9 a.m. NBC MACY’S THANKSGIVING PARADE
NYC’s parade features inflatable cartoon characters and Dolly Parton. (That sounds redundant.)
8 p.m. NBC THE INCREDIBLES
(Movie, 2004) A superhero family falls apart and comes back together in this terrific Pixar flick.
FRIDAY, Nov. 23
9 p.m. SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA WEBISODES
During the Star Trek marathon, check out teeny BSG episodes previously only shown on the web.
SATURDAY, Nov. 24
8 p.m. DSC MARCH OF THE PENGUINS
(Movie, 2005) Fascinating documentary about emperor penguins hoofing it across the Antarctic.
9 p.m. SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: RAZOR
(Movie, 2007) In flashback flick, Commander Lee Adama uses the Pegasus to kick tin-can Cylon ass!
SUNDAY, Nov. 25
8 p.m. FOX THE SIMPSONS
Homer is enticed to a rib restaurant owned by Sideshow Bob. I think I’d be careful of those ribs.
11:30 p.m. COM KENNY VS. SPENNY
The boys avoid “arousal” at any cost when the competition is “First Guy to Get a Boner Loses.”
MONDAY, Nov. 26
8 p.m. NBC CHUCK
Chuck’s No. 1 arch-nemesis returns, begging for a second chance. OH HELL NO!
8:30 p.m. CW ALIENS IN AMERICA
Justin and Raja think their school prank is hilarious – until someone calls Homeland Security.
TUESDAY, Nov. 27
8 p.m. ABC A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
Linus helps us discover the true meaning of Christmas – though we all prefer the fake meaning.
9 p.m. ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season finale! The last two couples compete for the most godawful ugly trophy in TV history.
WEDNESDAY, Nov. 28
8 p.m. ABC SHREK THE HALLS
Shrek the Ogre plans a quiet Christmas at home, which is disturbed by Donkey, Puss in Boots and the fact that everyone watching hates Shrek.
9 p.m. FOX KITCHEN NIGHTMARES
Chef Ramsay’s grand opening of an Italian restaurant is going great – until the police show up.
• MLE Chowdown: The Turkey Bowl (Spike, 11 a.m. Thursday, Nov. 22). Think your Aunt Maureen is a filthy, disgusting pig at the Thanksgiving table? Well, she ain’t got nothing on champion eaters Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi, who will be going head to head to see who can consume an entire 20-pound turkey in under eight minutes! Joining them in this gastronomical exhibition will be “El Toro” Jimenez and Erik “Steakbellie” Livingston, competing to see who can cram the most cranberry sauce down their gullets. Yes, I’m thankful! Thankful there’re a few people who still know what America is all about: morbid obesity! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
• Battlestar Galactica: Razor (Sci Fi Channel, 9 p.m. Saturday, Nov. 24). During these dark days of the writers’ strike and a new season filled with tepid shows, thank the gods for this NEW two-hour Battlestar Galactica movie event! This flick jumps back in time to depict Commander Lee Adama’s first mission as commander of the Pegasus. Don’t have the slightest idea what I’m talking about? Let me put it this way … BOOM! POW!! Ker-BLAM! FIGHT! FIGHT! RAT-A-TAT-TAT! PEW! PEW! KA … BLOOOOOMY! (That’s the sound of my nerdgasm.)
• Kenny vs. Spenny (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m. Sunday, Nov. 25). One of my fave reality shows, Kenny vs. Spenny pits two best friends against each other in the most mind-numbingly STOOPID competitions ever. And this week, they’re taking on their most difficult task: a competition sensitively titled, “First Guy to Get a Boner Loses.” Boy, I’m thankful I’m not in that competition.
• Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 9 p.m. Tuesday, Nov. 27). It’s the season finale of the most annoying dance contest on TV, and I’m thankful I’ve finally decided to NEVER WATCH THIS SHOW AGAIN. (Unless, of course, they cast someone from Degrassi – then I’m going to sexually harass the crap out of them!)
I’d thank you to be more firstname.lastname@example.org