First, I’d like to apologize for last week’s column in which I annoyingly implored you at least 37 times to watch Bionic Woman (9 p.m. Wednesday, Sept. 26, NBC). It’s not that the show isn’t awesome (IT IS!! SUPER-DUPER AWESOME!!), but you’re probably interested in other shows as well, right? Even shows considerably dumber and less sexy than Bionic Woman (9 p.m. Wednesday, Sept. 26, NBC). That’s why I’m happy to introduce you to some other shows debuting this week – one of which is nearly as super-duper awesome as Bionic Woman (9 p.m. Wednesday, Sept. 26, NBC). But since this show doesn’t have an ass-kicking female cyborg, I wouldn’t get too excited. Anyhoo, here’s this week’s edition of “Watch it … or DON’T! (See if I care).”
WATCH: Pushing Daisies (debuts 8 p.m. Wednesday, Oct. 3, ABC). True, it doesn’t have a hotsy-totsy robot with cybernetic cans – but next to Bionic Woman this is the must-see show of the season. Ned’s a lonely pie-maker who suddenly discovers he has the ability to resurrect people from the dead. However, if Ned ever touches them again, they croak and can’t become uncroaked. Plus, if he keeps them alive for more than a minute, someone else in the general vicinity dies! If you love the moral ambiguities of Six Feet Under and the freak-ass style of Tim Burton, then don’t miss this one, bubby!
DON’T WATCH: Moonlight (debuts 9 p.m. Friday, Sept. 28, CBS). Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: A vampire starts his own detective agency to help human clients – instead of sucking their blood. If you guessed Angel, then you must be wondering why the creators of Moonlight think they can get away with this kind of copycat bullpoop. Well, for your information, Moonlight is TOTALLY different from Angel because a) it’s BORING and b) the characters in this show are completely unlikable – and probably have herpes.
WATCH: Aliens in America (debuts 8:30 p.m. Monday, Oct. 1, the CW). An American family takes in a Muslim exchange student to help their nerdy son appear “cool.” Wow. That’s not gonna work. Nevertheless, this new, charming series is another “must-watch” of the fall season. (BTW, if the parents wanted “cool,” why didn’t they replace their son’s arms and legs with cybernetic robot parts? I’ll never understand some people.)
DON’T WATCH: Cavemen (debuts 8 p.m. Tuesday, Oct. 2, ABC). You’ve got to be kidding me. It’s a freaking GEICO commercial, for chrissakes! Of course you’re not going to watch it! What’s next? A sitcom about the Hamburglar? (I think I’d watch that.)
WATCH: Dr. Steve-O (debuts 11 p.m. Monday, Oct. 1, USA). I’m not convinced that Steve-O (the nearly nude douchebag from Jackass) is a real doctor. Regardless, in this reality show Steve-O flies around the country “dewussifying” men who lack machismo. How? By having their heads shaved and testicles stapled to their legs, of course! (P.S. I really don’t think you should watch this. But if all the dumbasses in America were to get on this show and kill themselves? Well, that’s a win-win, isn’t it?)
I don’t think I’ll be stapling my testicle to my leg.
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
Season premiere! TV’s hunkiest hero is back, battling Bizarro Clark and welcoming… gulp! SUPERGIRL??
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Season premiere! After a freak accident, Michael becomes convinced the office is cursed. (Which it is.)
10:00 ABC BIG SHOTS
Debut! Four meathead friends have trouble balancing success and their love lives. OH, POOR THEM!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
9:00 CBS MOONLIGHT
Debut! A vampire private eye looks into some vampire-related killings, and… jeez, even the title is a rip-off. Ever heard of Moonlighting?
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
8:00 FOX COPS
It’s the anniversary special, depicting 20 years of crazy, half-naked crack heads.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
After suffering an accident, Homer becomes an international opera star. Sure… why not?
9:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Season premiere! The neighborhood discovers Edie’s secret, which I really don’t care to know because I haven’t watched this show in two years.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 1
8:00 NBC CHUCK
After unwittingly becoming a spy, Chuck finds it hard to get along with his new coworkers. ’Cause he’s a dork.
8:30 CW ALIENS IN AMERICA
Debut! A 16-year-old befriends a Pakistani exchange student… and then calls Homeland Security.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 2
8:30 ABC CARPOOLERS
Debut! A “comedy” about a gang of carpooling buddies and their subsequent “shenanigans.”
9:00 CW REAPER
When a soul escapes from hell, Sam must capture it using his remote control monster truck. OH, HELL YEAH!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3
8:00 ABC PUSHING DAISIES
Debut! After her murder, Ned brings a childhood sweetheart back to life. Sorry, but… EW!
10:30 COM THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM
Season premiere! In this hilariously offensive episode, Sarah accidentally gets involved in a plot to blow up an abortion clinic.