If you’re wondering why I’m walking around like I’ve got a solid-gold vibrating iPhone in my bottom – it’s because THE NEW FALL SHOWS ARE HERE! Yaaaaay! But even though I’m happier than a fat kid eating an ice-cream-covered chili dog, it’s important to remember one thing: While there are a poop-ton of good shows debuting in the next few weeks, there are plenty of “boners” (the bad kind of boners) out there as well. Take this week for example!
WATCH: The Bionic Woman (9 p.m. Sept. 26, NBC). Based on the campy ’70s show of the same name, this Bionic Woman has been given a serious butt-lift by Battlestar Galactica producer David Eick – so expect it to be darker, ass-kickier and (ooh-la-la!) sex-sex-SEXIER!
DON’T WATCH: Private Practice (9 p.m. Wednesday, Sept. 26, ABC). Does Grey’s Anatomy make you want to stick a sharpened screwdriver in your eye? ME, TOO. That’s why I’m giving this dumbass Grey’s spin-off – in which Dr. Addison Montgomery moves from Seattle to California to work in a hoity-toity “doc-in-the-box” – a pass. Plus she looks like a horse, and if I wanted to see horses, I’d visit a farm.
The Bionic Woman doesn’t look like a horse, because she’s too busy looking hot. Plus it co-stars BSG’s Katee “Starbuck” Sackhoff as a bionic babe gone bad, who also doesn’t resemble a horse.
WATCH: Reaper (9 p.m. Tuesday, Sept. 25, The CW). While it may not involve hot robots, be sure to check out this funny series about a slacker who is hired by the devil (Twin Peaks’ Ray Wise) to capture escaped souls from hell. (By the way, have I mentioned that you should watch The Bionic Woman? The first episode features two hot robot chicks beating the crap out of each other.)
DON’T WATCH: Life (Wed Sept 26, 10 pm, NBC). A police detective is wrongly imprisoned, cleared of the crime, and rejoins the force where he solves crimes in a Zen-like fashion while eating tons of fruit. Okay, that sounds dumb. And weird. (Unlike a show where a sexy cyborg kicks criminal ass. Maybe she eats fruit… I dunno.)
WATCH: The Bionic Woman … as well as Dirty Sexy Money (10 p.m. Wednesday, Sept. 26, ABC). Boy, The Bionic Woman is gonna be great … and so is Dirty Sexy Money, a new nighttime soap that stars Six Feet Under’s Peter Krause as a lawyer who inherits a super-rich family embroiled in a plethora of mysterious shenanigans. Expect political intrigue, murder and the occasional transsexual mistress. (Not a cyborg.)
MAYBE WATCH: Chuck (8 p.m. Monday, Sept. 24, NBC). When a pant-load of top-secret government info gets downloaded into the brain of computer geek Chuck, he’s suddenly thrust into a world of crazy dangerous espionage … which sounds like it could be funny for the first 10 minutes. So if they’re smart, they’ll spend the first 10 on Chuck and the remaining 50 minutes checking in on what The Bionic Woman is up to. Have I mentioned you should totally watch that show?
I think I’ll watch The Bionic Woman.
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, Sept. 20
8 p.m. CBS SURVIVOR: CHINA
Season premiere! A new gang of castaways get shipped to China. Hmmm … that’s a pretty big island.
8 p.m. NBC MY NAME IS EARL
Earl pays the ultimate price to get Joy’s fat out of the fryer: going to prison!
FRIDAY, Sept. 21
10 p.m. SCIFI PAINKILLER JANE
Series finale! In the last episode ever, the evil Neuros say to “hell with this,” and leaves the set to get a milkshake.
SATURDAY, Sept. 22
10 p.m. HBO D.L. HUGHLEY: UNAPOLOGETIC
A new comedy special featuring the sassy and undeniably smart D.L. Hughley!
SUNDAY, Sept. 23
8 p.m. FOX THE SIMPSONS
Season premiere! When Homer decides he needs a corporate jet, he enlists help from life coach Stephen Colbert!
9 p.m. ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
A clip show of last year’s season, just in case you need to be reminded how bad this show is.
MONDAY, Sept. 24
8 p.m. ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season premiere! A whole new cast of club-footed b-list celebs including Wayne Newton!
9 p.m. NBC HEROES
Season premiere! It’s been four months since the New York incident, and the world’s still in deep crap.
10 p.m. NBC JOURNEYMAN
Debut! A normal guy discovers he’s able to go back in time and fix screw-ups. Can he go back and make sure I never sleep with the mayor’s daughter?
TUESDAY, Sept. 25
9 p.m. FOX HOUSE
Season premiere! It’s the return of America’s favorite gimpy, pill-addicted doctor! Malpractice, schmalpractice.
10 p.m. CBS CANE
Debut! A new nighttime soap starring Jimmy Smits that’s like a Latino Dynasty!
WEDNESDAY, Sept. 26
9 p.m. NBC THE BIONIC WOMAN
Debut! A woman is given superhuman strength by her boyfriend doctor, and surprise – she nags him about it!
9 p.m. ABC PRIVATE PRACTICE
Debut! Addison transfers to an LA wellness clinic, where they think she looks like a horse, too.