Happy Princess Diana Week, everybody! As you may have already heard — from the plethora of TV ads and magazine articles — Princess Diana is DEAD. And she remains dead, even after 10 years.
Now, before you jump down my throat for daring to insult "England's Rose," I have no problem with Princess Diana being dead. Nor did I have any problem with her being alive. She performed a sizable amount of charity, got a raw deal from the Royal Family, and Elton John wrote a song about her. OK … not really. He actually just "adapted" an old song by plopping in Princess Diana's name. (I was thinking about paying a similar tribute to the late Charles Nelson Reilly by working his name into the theme for Ghostbusters II.)
Anyhoo, even though she was British, there are a bunch of shows about Princess this week on the "telly." On Sunday, July 1, at 7 p.m., Dateline NBC will skip catching sexual predators to air an exclusive Matt Lauer interview with Princes William and Harry. Matt is the guy who did that heee-larious interview with Britney Spears where she chewed gum the entire time, and her fake eyelash fell off. Something tells me this isn't going to be as funny.
Also, VH1 will be broadcasting the "Concert for Diana" starting at 11 am on July 1, featuring six hours of live music with performances from Kanye West, Joss Stone, Nelly Furtado, Elton John (the list gets progressively worse from here), Rod Stewart, Lily Allen (UGH!), Andrew Lloyd Webber (huh?) and Fergie (BLEECHH! Puh-tooey! Puh-tooey!!). Excuse me … where's the real Fergie — aka the former Duchess of York? (Maybe she's busy filming Weight Watchers commercials.)
But again I must stress: I have nothing against anyone throwing concerts for a dead princess. It's a nice thing to do, and charity is a wonderful thing. HOWEVER! Would it be such a horrible crime to ALSO pay tribute to an AMERICAN princess? That's still very much ALIVE?? And of course, I'm talking about her royal majesty, Princess Paula Abdul. I know it's not a competition, but deep in your heart of hearts, you like Princess Paula Abdul a lot more than Princess Diana — and not only because Paula is alive. You like Paula Abdul better than Princess Diana because Diana never wrote "Straight Up." You like Paula better because Diana never dated Arsenio Hall. You like Paula better because she clawed herself out of the metaphorical grave to be a judge on the world's most popular show, American Idol. And you like Paula better because she always looks and acts like a poop-faced drunk.
So while you're listening to that butt-ugly Fergie yowling at the Concert for Diana, make sure also to pay props to Princess Paula by watching her new reality show on the Bravo network, titled Hey Paula (10 p.m. Thursday, starting June 28). The cameras follow Paula around as she prepares for Idol, sells jewelry on QVC, bumps her head on things and tries to convince us the reason she acts so drunk during interviews is because she took too much cold medicine. Whatever you say, my Queen!
The Duchess of York is "Fergilicious"!
THURSDAY, JUNE 28
10 p.m. BRAVO HEY PAULA
Debut!Finally! A reality show about the star of a reality show!
10 p.m. USA BURN NOTICE
Debut! A former spy (Jeffrey Donovan) gets the boot, and starts a private eye agency with … Bruce Campbell? Whoo-whoo!
FRIDAY, JUNE 29
8 p.m. VH1 THE 40 GREATEST INTERNET SUPERSTARS
A celebration of the Internet's YouTubiest stars, including the tubby kid swinging a light saber!
SATURDAY, JUNE 30
8 p.m. SPIKE WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK III
Even MORE lions, bears, and angry alligators taking revenge on the hindquarters of humans.
8 p.m. VH1 BRITAIN'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Just like the American version, except … what's up with their teeth?!
SUNDAY, JULY 1
8 p.m. NBC CONCERT FOR DIANA
C'mon … can you really tell me Princess Diana would've approved of Fergie?
10:30 p.m.E! SUNSET TAN
Season finale! Don't miss the last episode of this wacked-out show about the leathery occupants of a tanning salon!
MONDAY, JULY 2
8 p.m. DSC DEADLIEST CATCH MARATHON
Three hours of the scariest reality show around, all about Alaskan ice fishing! Plus an hour of behind-the-scenes action at 10 p.m.!
9 p.m. FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
The remaining chefs must provide the food for a wedding reception (making this the worst day of someone's life since my first wife married me).
TUESDAY, JULY 3
9 p.m. CW VERONICA MARS
Patricia Hearst — who was kidnapped in real life by the SLA in 1974 — plays a kidnap victim in this terrific Veronica Mars repeat! Oooh … META.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 4
8 p.m. FOX DRIVE
Series finale! This poor show starring Firefly's Nathan Fillian gets a final crappy send-off on the Fourth of July. So … where's the fireworks?
9 p.m. NBC MACY'S FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR
Macy's uses fireworks to announce their annual linen sale (oh, and to celebrate our founding fathers). George Washington would be proud.