;Huh?! What?! Oh … it's YOU. Look, I appreciate you reading my column and all, but frankly, I'm a little too busy for you right now. In case you didn't realize, this is the bat-poop CRAZIEST TV week of the entire year, jam-packed with new shows and season finales. And if I don't figure out the perfect TV-watching schedule for this week, I can pretty much kiss my reputation as "TV's Most Annoyingly Obsessive Fan" good-bye. (At least I'll still be eligible for "Most Likely to Develop Adult Onset Diabetes." Keep your fingers crossed!)
;;THURSDAY: It's the one-hour season finale of The Office (NBC, 8 p.m.) in which Michael, Jim and Karen battle for the same job at corporate headquarters – which means (yikes!) DWIGHT is in charge! Also at 8 p.m., it's the season-ender for the ridiculous, yet sexy, Smallville (CW). Clark must stop Lex from developing an army of evil soldiers, and Chloe's "superpower" is finally revealed. (Oh, please let it be the ability to telekinetically rip off Clark's shirt.)
;;FRIDAY: Tonight gives us the season finale of America's Funniest Home Videos (ABC, 8 p.m.) in which they finally answer the question: Is it funny when a toddler hits his dad in the face with a baseball bat?
;;Then at 9 p.m., it's the Dr. Phil Primetime Special (CBS) in which this pear-shaped douchebag visits a prison to nag the inmates about all the bad things they did. Thanks for the reminder, you judgmental, pompous lardass. Also at 9 p.m., it's the premiere of National Bingo Night (ABC), where contestants play bingo and viewers are invited to play along. You know … I think I'll pass. My hip starts acting up if I'm not in bed by 8 p.m. (Could you call the nurse? My colostomy bag needs emptying.)
;;MONDAY: After one of the WORST seasons ever, 24 (Fox, 8 p.m.) will burn off its remaining two episodes. Producers promise that next year, they'll completely revamp the entire premise of the series. How about starting with allowing Jack to go to the bathroom now and then? Later, it's the finale of Heroes (NBC, 9 p.m.) in which a hero blows up and destroys the city. Look out! There's gonna be a nerd-splosion!
;;TUESDAY: Say good-bye to another season of Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 8 p.m.) – just like Heather Mills' leg, it will be missed. And it could be the final, FINAL kiss-off for Veronica Mars (CW, 8 p.m.) … that is, unless she can somehow get ratings like those idiotic Pussycat Dolls. Maybe they can combine the shows and Veronica can search for the Pussycats' missing self-esteem?
;;WEDNESDAY: Don't bother watching the American Idol finale (Fox, 8 p.m.): The no-neck girl is going to win, and Sanjaya's been gone for weeks. And finally, it's the slam-bang two-hour season finale of Lost (ABC, 9 p.m.) in which the castaways take on those pee-hole Others in a fight to the finish! Will someone you care about wind up dead? Absolutely. (Especially if I don't get off my ass and stop eating these damnably delicious fried Twinkies!)
;;Too busy to have diabetes.;
;THURSDAY, MAY 17
;;8 p.m. ABC UGLY BETTY
;;Season finale! It's "bumpin' uglies" when Betty and Henry finally get it on!
;;10 p.m. NBC E.R.
;;Season finale! Kovac postpones his honeymoon to go to Croatia. His priorities are sorely misplaced.;;
;FRIDAY, MAY 18
;;10 p.m. NBC LAW & ORDER
;;Season finale! Did a senator (Harry Hamlin) kill his wife? More importantly, do I give a poop?;;
;SATURDAY, MAY 19
;;8 p.m. ABC EXTREME BLOOPERS;
;A kid hits his dad in the face with a plastic baseball bat – that has nails sticking out of it. To make it "extreme.";
;;11:30 p.m. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
;;Season finale! SNL finishes a kinda funny season with the not-so-funny Zach Braff.;;
;SUNDAY, MAY 20
;;8 p.m. FOX THE SIMPSONS
;;Season finale! This hour-long episode is a parody of 24 (which can't help but be more exciting than the real thing).
;;9 p.m. ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
;;Season finale! Gaby and Victor have their wedding. Think something "shocking" will happen?;;
;MONDAY, MAY 21
;;9 p.m. NBC HEROES
;;Season finale! "That hero done blowed up reeeeeeal good!"
;;9 p.m. ABC THE BACHELOR
;;Season finale! Please announce you're gay! Please announce you're gay!;;
;TUESDAY, MAY 22
;;9 p.m. CW VERONICA MARS
;;Season finale! Piz claims he had nothing to do with that porn video on the Internet. His videos look far more professional.
;;9 p.m. FOX ON THE LOT
;;Debut! Budding filmmakers are challenged to make better movies than that hack Steven Spielberg.;;
;WEDNESDAY, MAY 23
;;8 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL
;;Season finale! If Melinda can get a neck implant, maybe I'll buy one of her CDs.
;;9 p.m. ABC LOST
;;Season finale! Lost is booked for two more seasons – which leads me to believe they're not getting rescued any time soon.