SHOCK: OK, I'm not saying there's a conspiracy going on around here — but C'MON! How can TWO of the best reality-show contestants of the year be voted off in ONE week!? And of course I'm talking about Sanjaya Malakar (the ponyhawked and much-reviled 17-year-old from American Idol), and Heather Mills (the one-legged and much-reviled — in England — person from Dancing With the Stars). Not to mention Rosie O'Donnell, who also got voted off The View! How can this be happening?! What horrible thing did I do to deserve this?
GUILT: Crap. I knew I should've kept voting for Sanjaya and Heather … I just figured someone else would pick up the slack. This is all my fault! I should've called up the producers of The View and said, "I never watch your television show. But if you get rid of Rosie, I promise I will never, ever, EVER watch it!" It's also my fault that Sanjaya is such an awful singer, and that Heather lost her leg.
FEAR: You know, if America can suddenly turn against Sanjaya, Heather and Rosie — that means I'm up poop creek without a paddle! I've got a loud, obnoxious mouth (just like Rosie), I'm only marginally talented (just like Sanjaya), and I really, really despise Paul McCartney (just like his ex-wife, Heather)! If you really wanted to, you could write the editor of this newspaper and say, "HUMPY STINKS!! Why can't you find a more appropriate writer for your paper — such as a retarded monkey with a label maker?"
DEPRESSION: I really don't deserve this job, you know. I mean, I'm supposed to be critiquing television! And most of the time, I'm too busy draining 40s, shooting up goofballs and admiring how hot I look in underpants to put any real thought into why TV shows make such stupid decisions like kicking off Sanjaya, Heather and Rosie. I'm so sorry I've failed you, Sanjaya! God, I HATE MYSELF!!
DENIAL: Waitasecond … it's not my fault these dumbasses got voted off their shows, or that I'm America's most popular TV columnist! I am not responsible for the success or failure of American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, The View or the newspaper you are holding right now. In fact, I'm not responsible for anything! If I'm drunk, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. If I sleep with more people in a day than you do in three years, well … I can't be blamed for that! I didn't ASK for other people's genitals to be attracted to mine!
ANGER: IN FACT … just the very IDEA that YOU would accuse ME of being RESPONSIBLE for these no-talent dorkholes getting kicked off their ridiculously stupid shows REALLY PISSES ME OFF!! I HATE American Idol, I HATE Dancing With the Stars, and I WOULD REALLY HATE The View — if I ever watched it. So to tell the truth? I don't give TWO GOOEY POOPS about ANY of these stinkfingers, because I NEVER LIKED THEM OR THEIR IDIOTIC SHOWS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
ACCEPTANCE: Oooh! Did you hear? Posh Spice from the Spice Girls might be on next year's Dancing With the Stars! GOD, I LOVE THAT SHOW!
Is "revenge" one of the seven stages?
THURSDAY, MAY 3
8 p.m. CW SMALLVILLE
Jimmy gets knocked out and travels back to the 1940s. I dunno … sounds kind of unrealistic to me.
8:35 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE
Phyllis gets flashed; Dwight and Andy play "To Catch a Predator."
FRIDAY, MAY 4
8 p.m. FX SPIDER-MAN 2
(Movie, 2004) Dr. Octopus dreams up eight new ways of kicking Spidey's ass!
SATURDAY, MAY 5
11:30 P.M. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
The very best skits and videos from this season. I only have four words. "Dick … in … a … Box."
SUNDAY, MAY 6
8 p.m. CBSAMAZING RACE
Season finale! The final three teams race around to wherever, to win whatever. (Sorry, I watch this show less than The View.)
9 p.m. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE IN THE ‘90S
The very best skits and videos from the '90s. Unless "Dick in a Box" debuted in the '90s, I don't give a poop.
Midnight TOON MORAL OREL
Don't miss this perverted animated parody of Davey and Goliath and Christian kid shows!
MONDAY, MAY 7
8 p.m. FOX DRIVE
Sorry, folks … this one has already been canceled. Put the transmission in park and step away from the vehicle.
9 p.m. NBC HEROES
In order to save the world, Hiro and Ando must pass a special test (which I hope includes Star Wars trivia).
TUESDAY, MAY 8
8 p.m. MYTV HOOTERS DREAM GIRL CHALLENGE
Sixteen Hooters waitresses compete to appear on the cover of Hooters magazine. Ummm … do they get overtime for this?
9 p.m. CW VERONICA MARS
In order to save the school concert, Veronica must help out a washed-up rocker (played by the dreamy Paul Rudd)!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 9
8 p.m. CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
The girls express themselves via aboriginal dance. I better take my anti-butt-cringing pills.
10 p.m. ABC LOST
Ben lets Locke in on some of the island's secrets; meanwhile Juliet lets her secret slip! See ya, sucka!